When I walked out of B's house, I stepped into a new life. I knew for sure that I would never go back.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is set in stone.
I'm not going to argue with anyone about this. I don't care who thinks that I'm making a mistake. I don't care.
I made the only decision that will work for me.
When someone cheats on us, what causes the most hurt?
Is it the sexual act, or is it the thought, or lack thereof, that leads to the act itself?
This is the part that I think most fail to understand.
For me, It's not the sex. It's the betrayal. It's the lie. The broken promise. The deception and disrespect. It's the choice to hurt me.
I tell every man I bring into my bed, my home, and my heart that I do not take prisoners. If you want to leave, there’s the door. You’re here of your own free will. I want you only if you want to be here, and only if you’re here one hundred percent. I have no use for half a man. I want the whole man, every goddamn drop of blood, every tear, every heartbeat, every kiss, every thrust.
If you want to sleep with someone else, by all means indulge, just let me know before hand so that I can pack your things and show you the door. And don’t try coming back because the door will be closed. There’s no hate in this—just the way it is for me. My life. My body. My heart. My rules. You can choose to live by them or not. You have a choice.
But damn it, don't promise me your loyalty and then betray me.
Don’t ask for my trust, if you’re going to break it.
Don’t fucking lie to me and deceive me and come home and look at me and touch me and fuck me as if nothing has happened when you know that if I knew what you have done it would devastate me.
Don’t take away my right to choose how I want to live my life.
Don't taint me with your whore without my knowledge.
Don't violate me.
Don’t make the choice to hurt me and then say you love me.
If he had told me, “Kitten, I want to date other people,”
That I would’ve understood. But I don't play the I love you, but I'm going to cheat on you. Please forgive and come back to me," game.
I have never played that game. I will never play that game.
He made his decision to cheat on me and I made mine to leave him. He knew the rules beforehand. Still he played the game. Maybe he didn’t expect to get caught. Maybe he didn’t believe I’d really leave him.
He asked for my trust and my loyalty. And I didn’t for one second think of betraying that trust because I would’ve rather died than hurt him.
One of the greatest things about life is having choices.
Did he know that sleeping with Tonya was a no-no because he promised his loyalty to me?Did he know that if I found out, it would’ve hurt me to the end of the earth? I would bet my life and everything in it, that he did.
But he made the choice anyway.
And no, I don’t believe for one second that he couldn’t help himself because he’s a man, and men can’t be faithful. That’s bullshit.
I’m not looking for the perfect man or a man who doesn’t make mistakes. I want a man who will NOT deliberately make choices to hurt, disrespect, and violate my trust, and everything I stand for.
If I’d taken him back, I would’ve still come back to this point and this place that I’m at right now.
Going back to him would’ve never been the same. We wouldn’t be able to recapture what we had. I would not have been able to look at him see and feel the way I did, before this happened.
When I walked away, I did not shed a single tear. Driving home, I thought about his ex-wife. He said he cheated on her because he wasn’t getting sex. I was giving him sex and he still cheated on me. And he doesn’t know why.
That’s some deep shit. When I got home I climbed into bed and I slept soundly. The haunting questions and doubts were gone. And the only thing left is the heaviness in my chest, disappointment, and an ache for what could have been.
And now it’s time to let it go and move on.