One more round

I've come to the conclusion that the life is a "series of moments" And none is more important than right now.

It was a powerful revelation. One that changed my entire outlook. And left me feeling free. By coming to this understanding, I recognize the value of the people with whom I share my life. It changed my understanding of my past relationships. It changed the way I will behave right now. And I'm sure it will have a great impact on the way I represent myself in the future.

I want to get up every day and simply enjoy life.

I was talking to “L” today. And she got me thinking about the impact of relationships in our lives. Why do some of us give in, when love, betrayal and heartbreak knocks us down? Why do some of us pick up and move on? L got down once, and she has spent the last five years in the trench where he left her. She doesn't know how to get back up.

I thought about her sitting there, beautiful and sweet, dressed in all black as if going to a funeral--her funeral. She hasn't had a date since she divorced her husband for cheating on her five years ago.

She explains with a smile how scary dating is to her. She sees in all men the husband who cheated, and fears going through something like that again, and so she keeps herself safe by hating all men and distancing herself from the world. The love of her life will not have a chance against this hatred.

I know the fear. I’ve been there. Who hasn’t at one point or another thrown up their hands and say to hell with this. It hurts too much. It’s too complicated. I have nothing left to give?

I have done just that more than once. But I always get back up because I know that this fear can rob us of our lives in so many ways. I don't think that we should ever allow anyone to take away our capacity to trust, and believe and love.

“L” and I had a long conversation and I share with her a few things I've figured out about relationships that are true for me.

These series of moments I talk about are not always going to be good. We are going to be disappointed. We are going to get hurt by the people who profess to love us, and who may in fact love us. But we have to take the good with the bad. We have to understand, and accept, that these things are going to happen and still chance it.

I don't know if "D" is "the one" But he's the one right now. Sometimes these "right now" moments are the ones we will remember, twenty years from now.

I've had lovers that I will never forget.

And so my time with "D" is special to me just as the time with the men I've chosen to share my life has been. I treat him with the utmost respect. I express my feelings as they come. When I'm feeling adoration, I shower him with it. I show him my lust and my hunger and my want. I am all about feelings. I laugh. I cry. I say what I mean. And I mean what I say. And he sees it all. I don’t wear a mask. When he asks a question, the answer he will get may not be the one he wants or expects to hear. But it will be the truth as I see and feel it.

I don't care for men who want to hear only what they want to hear. We're not going to work. I know. I've dated a few.

Men have always been taken aback by this openness about me in and out of the bedroom. I don't know how else to be. I wouldn't want to be anything else. I have to be comfortable in my skin.

Life is a series of moments, and these series of moments play an integral part in who we become. And I will not rob myself of pleasure and happiness worrying about the disappointments of the past, and what could be disappointments in the future.

By no means am I saying that past experiences should not be taken into consideration. We can't help but be affected. Hurt and pain and disappointments do shape us. But past experiences also give us valuable insights. They help us recognize things and behaviors that we may not have otherwise recognized. They teach us about ourselves.

I don't jump blindly into anything. But I will not allow "what if's" to rob me of taking advantage of right now.

If there's a man standing in front of me, and in whom I have an interest, saying I'm into you. All I'm asking for is a chance to show you what I'm all about. Reject me not on the basis of what others have done to you, or what you think someone else may do to you, but on who I am. Judge me on my own merit.

I’m giving him a chance.

“Give him a chance,” I told “L” today of the guy who’s been chasing her, and whom she refuses to give the time of day even though she likes him.

“It may not work. So what? Practice safe sex and enjoy. What do you have to lose?”

Too many men and women are paying the price for the behaviors of the men and women before them.

Every man is a new man. Every relationship is a new experience.

No. I will not allow anyone to turn me bitter and hopeless, and that's why no matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up.

I'm a fighter.

I've always been.

I love those Rocky movies… where he's beaten bloody. One eye is swollen almost shut. But he stand on legs that doesn't seem strong enough to hold him to go one more round.

That's the kind of fighter I am.

I am going to lose sometimes. That's ok. That's part of it.

One more round, folks. I’m back in the ring. And my heart is on the line. And my trust is given because I have no reason not to. If he gives me cause to doubt him, I’ll take back my trust and walk away. Whatever becomes of it becomes of it. I’m not afraid.

Last night as I was dosing on his D's chest, he kissed my forehead, squeezed me, and whispered to me, “You know Kitten, I can’t think of any place else I’d rather be than here with you right now,”

One moment, can last a lifetime.

Comments

[Cj]

No regrets...I'm smiling for you.

[mep]

Aww, that was sweet. And I know what you mean. I had to learn that lesson a while back, then I got hurt and had to learn how to heal, but when i was healed, I refused to let the bad parts of the experience impact my desire to FEEL in a relationship. For years I dated guys without FEELING anything b/c I wanted to be in control of whether or not they could hurt me. That felt empty.

So enjoy the moment, for however long it lasts. :)

[Travis-]

It may seem like our life is made of many moments, but actually life is only made of one moment, and that is now. The present moment.

All past memories and the anticipation of future moments are just thought forms in the mind, and they exist in the only moment there is, this one. And when the future arives, it only does so as the present moment.

The is the essence of all spiritual teachings. And when you realize this, this will set your free.

Then you will realize that you don't live your life, but rather your life lives you.

Life is the dancer, and you are the dance.

Love and gratitude,
Travis-

[soul]

no regrets kitten..
No matter what happens.. I have to say I admire your outlook.

[nano]

Hey, woman! Hey, woman. Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you wanna see a real man? I bet you stay up every night dreaming you had a real man, huh? Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment and I'll show you a real man.

[theSaga]

defintely feeling this. gonna have to try and apply some of it to my life.

[nicki]

This is so beautifully written and shows a totally beautiful spirit.