I spent the last couple of days watching myself in my own porno flick.
Yes folks, there are tapes.
Where did these tapes come from?
Let me back up:
Few years ago when I broke up with CX, he hired a private detective to follow me. And I was caught in a few compromising positions with the amazing fellow that I was dating at the time, K. There is still a very soft spot inside me for him. Here’s one guy I really wish that I could’ve loved a bit longer. I have a lot of kisses left for him. He's one of the few men in my past whose bed I would crawl back into if I were the kind of woman who crawls back into bed with old lovers. But alas, I am not.
Anyway…K and I had a passionate, passionate love affair. I was mourning the disastrous end of my relationship with CX when I met him, but it didn’t take long for him to lit his own fire and claim his place in my heart. We were risky and bold and playful.
He made me cook for him even though I protested. It’s a crime what I did to the food. I burned his potatoes to shame. But he ate it as if it was the best meal he’d ever had. He said he liked it because I cooked it. That’s when I started falling for him.
Little did we know that we were being filmed. And I still can’t figure out how CX’s private detective came by some of the footage he took of us because we were in K’s bedroom.
I knew that the tapes existed because “CX” told me when he returned from Iraq crazed out of his mind, that he was going to destroy me. And part of his plan was to paste me all over the internet, the star of my own porn flicks.
I was horrified at first. But I soon got over it. And told him that I didn’t give a shit. I called his bluff. The last thing CX wanted was for anyone to see these tapes. I was the mother of his child and the woman he professed to love.
“You let him fuck you, the way you let me fuck you,” he screamed. You sucked his cock. You kissed him!” For months he ranted and raved. He went to K’s house and fought with him and threatened him.
I left K because of him.
So how is it that I now have these tapes?
CX stays over sometimes. He comes to me whenever he’s sad. He sits around. We talk about things. He tells me about his plans. They make no sense to me. I usually have a lot of questions. It seems that whenever he’s not feeling well, he finds me. I think in a way CX sees me as his safety net. And now that I know he’s not well, I don’t turn him away. I give him a blanket and pillow and offer him my couch.
We’re friends now. I think. I would like to trust him but I can't. Every time I think that we are in a good place, I would find out that he is lying about me, scheming, and plotting against me behind my back. I don't understand him. We’ve been through so much. We’ve done so much crap to each other that it breaks my heart. But we still have a lifetime together, and so this is a relationship that I value and will continue to keep working at, I have no intention of ever falling back in bed with him, but I plan on being there for him.
One night he came up to my bedroom while I was sleeping. “Kitten,” I heard him say. I opened my eyes and there he was standing above me with a look on his face I’d come to recognize, fear, dread, vulnerable. “I need to go to the emergency room,” he said. There was that horrible slur in his voice. I jumped up and pulled on the pair of jeans I’d kicked off before bed. And we grabbed Caesar who was in bed with me and headed for the emergency room. It was about 2:30 am.
Caesar and I sat in the hospital room with him until he was released 3 hours later after the doctors had gotten the symptoms under control. He had suffered a seizure. I took him back to my place and told him that he could rest there for the day.
The next day, CX brought me the box of sex tapes that he’s been holding onto to use against me.
And I couldn’t believe the footage that he had. And that’s what I’ve been watching for the past few days…
The way K kisses me from head to toe, left me longing for him.
Yes, if I were the kind of woman who goes crawling back into a man’s bed, these tapes would’ve sent me running back.
K has kissed me in places that no other man has kissed me, the back of my ears, the spaces between my toes, the back of my knees, my elbows, my calves. He doesn’t just suck my toes. He kisses the sole of my feet.
CX had gotten an eye full when he came back. I don’t think he’d counted on seeing what he saw, or was prepared for it.
I’d made love to him with the same wild abandonment.
The real question now is what to do with these tapes. I can’t bring myself to destroy them—not just yet. It is a beautiful and amazing expression of sexuality.
I also know that I cannot afford to keep them because if I do, there’s also the chance of discovery. But for now, I'm going to sit back and enjoy.