It was my free weekend. And wherein most weekends I would rush to G as soon as the boys were gone, this time I slept in. And I lounged languidly about dressed only in white tank and a pair of barely there thong.
I picked up Virgina Wolf a by Nigel Nicolson. I stretched out on my couch and finished it.
G called. “When are you coming over?”
“I’m not sure. I have a few things to do first,” I said.
“I’m going to the gym. Going to get a pedicure. Going to sit around and enjoy my company for a moment,”
“Why don’t you come over now?”
“I want to spend some time alone," I said.
He paused again.
“Ok. Come by whenever you feel like it. If I’m out let yourself in and make yourself at home,”
“Ok,” I said.
For the past few months I’ve been caught up in the thrill of a new love affair. I’m back on my feet now with my eyes wide open. And back to my senses folks.
I didn’t show up. I couldn’t bring myself to him. I’d already left. He played his hand. I saw his cards. And I was out.
And so I made another call few hours later after contemplating whether or not to do it in person. I decided against it.
“G, I will not be coming over. I’ve decided not to invest any more time into this relationship. I wish you all the best. Bye now.”
“Wait a minute. Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No,” I said.
“But why? We’ve been having so much fun. Kitten, I’ve been waiting for a woman like you my whole life. I’m sorry about the other day. I apologized. I was completely out of line. I was frustrated because I’m in love with you and I want you so badly and I don’t feel that I have you,”
“It’s not going to work,” I said.
“Are you going to walk away just like that for no good reason?”
“I have a very good reason. And there’s no use arguing about it. I’ve made my decision. Bye, G,”
I hung up before he could say anything else. And went back to lounging.
Allan called and I told him that I left G. He couldn’t stop laughing.
“Can you imagine my-in-control ass being controlled by anyone?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “Do you need a shoulder?”
“No. I’m good,” I said.
And I was. I wasn’t as smitten as I thought. The thrill to run to him was gone. I had no great hunger I needed fed.
I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t realize how much energy I was expending being with him. I didn’t realize how much his constant need for me was draining me.
I am used to this feeling. I’ve been here many times—feeling passion’s flame dying inside me.
No one who knows me would find this strange. My friends are used to me giving all and then taking it all away.
I’m used to the looks. I’m used to the chuckles. I’m used to them asking me, when are you going to cut this shit out, Kitten?”
Never. I will never cut this shit out. That’s because there’s a long drawn out thought process that goes behind every decision that they do not see and when I explain it, they do not understand.
When I started getting criticized and or having it point out to me, I looked long and hard at my behavior. And I see it for what it is not what I want it to be. When something goes wrong with a situation that I’m involved in, be it matters of the heart or professional, I first look at myself.
I am always my number one suspect. I do not make decisions lightly.
I’ve been back to G’s bed since he accused me of cheating and I just didn’t see him the way I did before. It’s funny how a change of perception changes everything.
My hunger for him was waning. When he makes love to me my body responds, but not with lust or longing or passion but something else.
But I didn’t give myself. And it was that not giving of myself the reason why I was not able to bring myself to him.
I needed to lounge for a moment. Get to know myself a little better. I've discovered that I'm full of new discoveries.
I'm going to listen to more Nina Simone.