“What’s in it for me?” Allan asked.
I was sleeping and didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
“What’s in what for you?” I asked.
“Getting married,” he said.
I didn’t answer right away. We haven’t been spending as much time together. I was warned that this was happen. And it’s been a touchy subject for me. I’ve been the woman in his life 21 years. I did not take kindly to his wife trying to take my place. I was unreasonably pissy for a while. But I got over it.
“I keep asking myself what’s in it for me, and I can’t come up with anything. And since I can’t figure out what’s in it for me, I want you to tell me,”
“Sex every time you want it,” I said
"According to my married friends, sex stops when they got married. What’s the difference between a job and a wife?” he asked
“The job still sucks,” he said laughing. "Get it?"
"Yeah. I get it,"
I didn’t argue. I have a lot of women friends who aren’t giving their husbands sex. The men have to beg for it, pay for it, or buy these women something in exchange for it.
I wouldn’t stand for it.
If or when I get married again I will have a reasonable expectation to have sex on a regular basis. And if not, we’re going to have issues.
“How about friendship,” I said to Allan.
“Kitten, you’re my best friend and I’m not marrying you,”
“I mean something binding. Someone with whom you share everything, all your thoughts and fears and dreams?”
“I do all of that with you,”
“A companion, a partner, someone (besides me) who you can lean on and who you know will always be there for you. Someone with whom you can build on and build with,” I said.
Thinking of my ex-husband and how I walked out on him the moment I discovered that he was using heroin. No building on, and no building with and not a moment of regret.
“That’s you,” he said.
“I don’t know what else to tell you,” I said. I sat up in bed with my knees curled to my chest. All I had to give him was a listening ear. And sometimes, a lot of times, that’s all that’s needed.
I’ve already expressed my opinion about his upcoming wedding. And it was time to step down. As his friend I've earned the right to share my thoughts with him. I've done that. He knows that whatever I say to him is coming from a loving place.
I know that it's possible to fall fast, and to marry, and for it to work out. I also know that most don't.
I know that it takes time to get to know someone.
I know that most, if not all relationships feel like a dream in the early stages.
Everything is so damn good, everything seems perfect, and we can be fooled into believing that we will need nothing or no one else for the rest of our lives. That's because we're not really listening, and we're not really paying attention. And perhaps so many of us are so focused on finding someone that we are all too happy to make believe.
I am not one of those people.
I'm not desperate to find someone. It's possible that I may never get married again, and I don't care one way or the other.
If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, fine too. Either way, I am a happy woman. That perspective may change later, but I doubt it.
There are always men to take to bed.
I have my boys.
I have great friends and family.
I consider myself a woman with a full life…a grand life even with the ups and downs.
And when it comes to relationships, people may look at me and see a woman struggling to find love.
There is no struggle, because I’m not expecting anything. I’m not counting on anything or anyone.
I am just living and taking the good with the bad with full understanding that that's life. Some things are under my control and some things are not. I’m going to win some and lose some. I’m going to fall in and out of lust. Fall in and out of love.
It’s all about feelings for me. I trust myself to know what’s best for me.
I don’t reason away what I know because I want it to be different. I want it to be what it IS.
And so when Allan told me he planned to marry the woman he just met, I convinced him to wait. Give it sometime. What's another year getting to know her? And if after a year or so you still feel the same way, dive in and give it your best shot.
He waited. Actually postponing the wedding a few times.
And here he was again, few months before the wedding date and he’s still confused.
"That's your answer," I said. You should not be confused. You should know,"
He didn’t say anything for a while and I wished we weren’t on the phone. I wanted to sit with him. I wanted to take his hands like he’s done for me so many times.
“I am always going to be here for you. I’m always going to listen. But you also need to talk to the woman you’re about to marry. At the end of the day, it will just be the two of you. And if you can’t talk to her about what you’re going through right now, you have no business marrying her,”
“Do you have plans tomorrow morning?” he asked.
“Let’s have breakfast,”
"Did I wake you up?"
"Are you wearing panties?"