Sexkitten

WAITING FOR MY MOMENT

I promised myself that no matter the situation, single or not, that I would have at least one orgasm a day. This is not something that I forget to do.

I was catching up with Lynn yesterday. She was in town on business. We were discussing our friends and the changes that takes place in our lives over the years.

We share mutual friends and talked about who had let themselves go, who was pregnant, married—who was doing this, that or the other.

She is getting married soon and wanted to ask me to be a part of the wedding party.

Can one really say no to an invitation like this without offending the person?

I accepted but explained that I do not have a lot of time to invest in planning and rehearsals. And would not at all be offended if I were excluded. Nice way to put the ball back into her court, right?

She said she didn’t want to get married without me being a part of it. So another wedding is in my future. Damn.

Hooker shoes or no?

Hooker shoes.

She studied me for a moment between bites.

“Kitten, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,”

“You’re the only one left out of all us. G is engaged too and will be married within a year,”

“So,” I said.

“What are you planning to do with your life?”

I looked at her. If I had every penny for every time I was asked this question, I would have a mansion on the hill overlooking the ocean.

“Lynn, darling, how many times must we have this conversation?” I asked.

“Ali and I are worried about you. We don’t want to see you end up alone. You don’t even have a boyfriend. And you haven’t changed your approach about men. We thought that Ben would be the one, but damn if you didn’t screw that up too. I just want to know when we’re going to get invited to your wedding,”

"You all need to stop worrying about me. I don't care about that.It’s not a priority,"

“Everyone needs someone special,”

“I have plenty of special people. They just leave when we’re done,” I said smiling at her.

“This is not a joke,”

“I'm not joking?”

“When was the last time you had an orgasm?”

“This morning,” I said laughing. “And it was great,”

“So you’re seeing someone?”

“No.”

“Who gave you an orgasm?” I laughed again. She didn’t get it. Lynn thought it was indecent to touch herself.

“I gave myself one. And they’re the best kind. Man or not you should try it. It will blow your mind,”

She stared at me. “You’re disgusting,”

“Honey, I’m liberated. And I know that you and Ali don’t get it. But I promise you there is no reason to worry about me. I just want different things for me than you want for me,” I said, but she had stopped paying attention.

“Stop talking and look over there,” She said nudging her head to the right.

“The man in the blue shirt can’t take his eyes off you,”

I looked over. And yes, there was a very attractive man checking me out. I smiled at him. And he took that as an invitation to come over.

I turned back to Lynn, “See, I have plenty of opportunity. This happens everyday, everywhere I go. But it doesn’t mean that he’s right for me. This marriage thing may or may not happen. But I never give up an opportunity to find out what’s in store for me.

The man reached us then. “I apologize for staring,” He said. But I find you lovely and was wondering if it would be too bold to ask you to share a drink with me. I’m afraid if I didn’t say something, I would never see you again. And I would like to see you again,"

I looked at him. “I like boldness,” I said.

I introduced him to Lynn who had to go anyway. She was catching a flight back to Philadelphia.

And folks, this happens everyday, everywhere all over the world. People come together in all kinds of situations. And the opportunity to find something or someone amazing is always there.

So what’s the big rush? We all have our moments of revelation don't we? Moments when it all makes sense. I'm waiting for my moment.

ALLAN GOT MARRIED

Allan got married.

I didn’t want to go to the wedding, but felt it was necessary if for no other reason than the testament of our friendship. My message was clear: I don’t have to agree with you to support you.

I wish I could say that I am blissfully happy for him, but I’m not.

I was saddened for him and for us. I don’t have a good feeling about her and no, I’m not jealous. Their differences are monumental. I feel that by marry her he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

I gave him my opinion. I told him to wait. I told him to think hard before doing this. I expressed my concerns, and backed them up with reasons. But in the end he decided to go through with it. And I respected his decision and backed off.

His marriage signified the end of our thirteen-year long friendship. And I didn’t and still do not understand why he allowed her to change us.

She didn’t want me to be part of the wedding party. Which is fine with me since I didn’t want him to marry her anyway.

She invited 300 people.

My date was a really good friend with whom I can honestly say I’ve had some of the best conversations of my life. He is funny and smart and handsome and intelligent and just a pleasure to be around. He also knew that it wasn’t the best day of my life and did whatever he could to make me feel better by giving me a shot of whiskey and making me a little drunk and a lot more giggly than I would’ve been. Lol. Thank you, G.
Allan and his bride were having their first dance as man and wife when I told G that I was ready to go. He went to get the car and I watched the couple from the doorway.

I wanted so much to be happy for him.

I wanted the best for him.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t it.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope that I’m being a jealous, irrational wench.

I hope that my feelings about her stems from the fact that she’s taking what has been for so long my place in Allan’s life. I was his girl for thirteen years. He has been my first call every morning and my last call before bed. He was my constant.

We’re been through a lot, good and bad and still came out laughing. And I thought that we would always be this way.

He was my best friend.

G pulled up and I ran out into the night and left without saying good-bye.

Allan called me the next day to tell me that to his wife, family, and friends I had committed my last and final unforgivable act by showing up to their wedding in six-inch clear heels when every one knows that only strippers and hookers wear six-inch heels with clear heels.

“How could you do something like that, Kitten? What were you thinking?”

I didn’t answer. I was thinking that the shoes looked fantastic with my dress.

But to even have such a sinful shoes as part of my wardrobe was proof that I was not a Christian and was not a person that a true Christian should associate.

“You realize that we’re talking about a pair of shoes, right?” I said.

“Yes, but, it’s what the shoes symbolizes,” He said.

I didn’t know this Allan.

I told him that I will continue to be who I am and wear whatever I want, when I want, and I didn’t give a shit about what she or her family think of me. And if that means that we couldn’t be friends, there was nothing I could do about it.

I have not spoken to him since.

Like I said, I saw this coming a mile away.

And I must say that my greatest disappointment is in Allan for not standing up for himself. Because he couldn’t stand up for himself, there is no way he would stand up for me.

So that’s it then. This is how it ends?

A SAFE PLACE

I had to take a break.

It was necessary.

I will talk more about shacking up with Big C, it’s where I left off, but my focus has been on T.

It’s not difficult to lose your children: sometimes all it takes is a moment. You look away and they’re gone.

That’s what happened. I looked away for a moment and almost lost T.

I had taken a new job and being the independent, career driven woman that I am, my focus turned to making money and doing whatever it takes to get to the top.

But I can’t do that, can I?

I want it all. But I can really have it?

Can I make it to the top without short changing my children?

Isn’t a mother’s first priority the well-being and safety of her family?

I didn’t mean to look away. I’ve always been so diligent, so watchful, so incredibly involve.

This blog has focused on my relationships—one after another, and all without a happy ending. But it’s not that I’m a failure at relationships. They are unsuccessful because I do not invest the time to make them work.

Family and work has always been my focus leaving time for little else.

I don’t have meaningful relationships. I have what seems to be a series of never-ending sordid affairs I know the moment they began that they would not last because I was always planning my escape.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I know what the problem is, I also know how to fix it. And will, when I’m ready.

The break-in wasn’t a random act.

T had gotten involve with the “wrong crowd” They were forming gangs. And I didn’t catch it fast enough.

That’s my guilt.

He started being disrespectful to me.

He started dressing differently.

He started staying out past the curfew I set for him.

He scoffs at my rules.

He went from being an A student to all F’s.

Most of the time I didn’t know what he was talking about. He started listening to Rap music blaring motha’fuckin’ this, and motha fuckin’ that, hoes, bitches and whatnot. And he started talking the same shit.

He got suspended for smoking and fighting. He didn’t seem to care about anything. And his behavior got so bad: I stopped liking him but you don’t stop loving your children do you?

No.

My friends said that he was going through a phase and should ignore him. It’s part of growing up.

Ignore him? Not on his life.

I knew that it had to be more than that, and no he was not allowed to talk back to me. And he was not allowed to leave the house with his pants around his knees. And he was not allowed to smoke and get bad grades or stay out longer than he had permission.

Who’s the mother?

Who’s the boss?

ME. And I was not going to put up with his shit.

But being affiliated with a gang was the last thing on my mind. We live well in a Community that was considered safe with good schools and friendly people and the police had nothing to do but give speeding tickets.

Bull.

I found out that there is no such thing as a safe place.

From what I understand, T would not let his friends into my place to steal my belongings so they beat him up, and kicked the door in.

And so, for the past few months, I’ve shifted focus. I leave work early a lot of times to spend time with him. I have him in counseling, after school activities, and ME.

His life is filled with ME, and big C, and R, and his grandma. We have all made adjustments to be there for him.

We still have our issues and I’m sure they will continue for years to come. But I know not to turn my back or stop asking questions and to never stop paying attention.