COMMITMENT ISSUES

Do I have it in me to settle down? Am I the marrying Kind?

Sure, I am. I am faithful and caring and kind. I will love you like you've never been loved. I will support your dreams and make certain that your needs whether they are sexual or emotional, if it is in my power to fulfill them, it shall be done.

Yes, I can be the marrying kind. I know that I can be even though my track recond tells another story.

It’s not often that I get to ask myself these questions. Most of my relationships don’t last long enough for this to be an issue.

I am a serial dater. Allan told me this many years ago and I’ve come to accept it.

Where most people imagine happily ever after in a new relationship, I get into most of my mine with the end in mind. He may last a week, two months, three months—I wanted cock, cock, and more cock along with occasional companionship, and lazy days doing whatever. And when I got tired of the man with the cock. I move on to the next man, and the next, and the next….

It's not that I don't think that I am deserving of love. I am 200% deserving. I enjoy the hell out of a hug, kiss, touch, and fuck like no other that I know. I am in love with being loved. There's a great big romantic in me, she's just consumed by carnal desires.

I broke a lot of hearts along the way let me tell you even though I didn’t mean to, they just didn’t believe me when I tell them that I just wanted to fuck and would leave one day. “Don’t love me,” I warned. “If you do, I will surely break your heart,”

The problem I've come to realize is that I have serious commitment issues.

I just dont feel the need find a man and settle down even though I'm one hundred percent happy with Nick and feels that I have settled down. I have no need for anyone else. That is settling down isn't it? Or does settling down means getting married?

I don’t care about marriage and I may never care about it. All my friends are married, time they said was running out. I’m in my thirties and I still don’t give a shit. I have all the time in the world.

Falling in love with B was a surprise that took me to places I had no desire to go, and put thoughts and questions in my head I didn't want. But I didn't walk away. I went with my feelings. I was committed.

Now, I'm with Nick and I find myself taking a similiar road. I love this man. I love him passionately. I love him from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. I don't want anyone else. There IS no one else. I would not be anymore committed to him if we were married than I am commited to him living apart. That's commitment isn't it?

He is wonderful to himself and he is wonderful to me. He is incredibly attractive. He is funny—adventurous—wealthy—intelligent--cultured—well mannered--attentive. He's everything I want in a man. I trust him implicitly.

When I started dating him I did so with the end in mind too. I was convinced that I do not have the time nor the desire to invest in nurturing a relationship. I am not sure that has changed, but Im enjoying my time with Nick. I’ve been him for over a year and his cock is sweeter today than it was a year ago. He is sexier to me, funnier, more adventurous, more sexually and intellectually stimulating. I can't get enough of him.

We’ve been talking about moving in together and whenever we do, I stare at him blankly. I don't say much. I have a million things going through my mind and filled with fear that if we take that step I will screw up our beautiful love affair.

Nick has a beautiful home, but I like having my own place. I don’t know how to live in someone else’s space. I like to visit and then go home. When I’m there I’m comfortable and I’m not. I love that he’s organize but worries about the fact that I’m not.

He has a helper and everything is always spotless. My place is full of toys and fingerprints and spots on my walls where Little C has drawn trains and cars, and little men and all kinds of crap. The dishes are not always cleaned and packed away the moment I get done with them. My panties are not always in the drawer. But I love my little Island.

On the other hand, I love to be around Nick's things. I love how everything smells like him. I like to dress in his scrubs and his socks. I love to climb naked in his bed. I love when he comes home to me. I love when he leaves me there. I love that he wants me there.

If f it were just me, I would move in with him without a second thought. I can move out and move on easily if things doesn't work out. But it’s a bit more complicated with kids.

One year even though it’s a long for me, is not long at all, in the grand scheme of things.

I do not mean to over analyze, and I’m not doom and gloom, but I like to look at things as they are, and I cannot discount my past. If it's any indication of my future, I may be in trouble.

Of course, this could be the beginning of a new chapter.

Comments

[D]

After being in a relationship with a man I love for over 7 years and not getting married, most say I too have commitment issues. Maybe they're the ones with the issue, the issue to not accept that not everyone needs to be as committed as they are, or perhaps we simply have different definitions of commitment.

D

PS. I enjoy your blog, you're very honest and primal...refreshing.