POWERFUL

There are things I would like to change about my life but which I cannot do a damn thing about. And because I cannot do anything about them I have learned to accept them. I don't lose sleep over them. I don't get depressed. I don't whine. I just accept them.

I also know that I have control over a lot of things. That control comes with me knowing who I am and what I want. If I don’t like my job, I have the power to change it. If I’m in a relationship that’s not working for me, I have the power to change it, and I do.

Big C picked up Little C this morning to take him to school. I handed him his school bag as well as the bag with Little C’s martial art clothes. I will not see my little man again until tomorrow. I need the break, but I’m always sad watching him leave especially these days. I love him so much. He’s still sweet. He still climbs on my lap. He still wants to hear a bedtime story. He still throws his little arms around me and say ‘I love you mommy,’ Sometimes I can’t stop looking at him. There’s so much to see.

“I want to move back to NY,” Big C said to me. “When are you going to leave what’s-his-name so that we can move?”

I’ve been asked this question a hundred times.

I look at him and see the madness in the hollowness of his eyes and the blue bags beneath them from sleepless nights, some I’m sure was racked with nightmares. He had a new haircut that he clearly did himself.

“I’m not moving and I’m not leaving my Nick,” I said.

“YOUR Nick?” he scoffed. “Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you really think it’s going to work out with YOUR Nick? If you don’t come to your senses and soon, I’m going to take custody of little C and move without you. I’m going to ruin your life. I’m going to do this to you, and I’m going to do that to you,”

I stared at his face with his hollow blood shot eyes and his lips that I once thought sexy as he threw threats out the window at me. And all I could think about is thank god my prayers weren’t answered five years ago when I was praying for a life with this man. It felt like the end of the world then, but thank goodness for lord, I knew not what I was praying for.

Thank you for never being able to commit to me no matter how badly you claimed you wanted me. Thank you for lying and cheating on me and trying to kill me. Thanks for stalking me and driving away some really good men, you crazy fuck.

I stood there until he stopped spewing his meaningless threats. I could see his frustration at not having any effect on me. He needs my tears to feel good about himself. He needs my unhappiness. He needs me weak and on my knees at his mercy. Yet I stand there strong and beautiful in the early morning sunshine not giving a shit about anything he was saying.

I am not the same woman I was five years ago. I’m the powerful one now. His ugliness has made me powerful. He dragged me into court so many times I know the drill. Nothing will happen. He has nothing on me.

I’ve already spent thousand upon thousands of my savings fighting him for custody that he didn’t want.
Now I don't spend a penny.

He’s already ruined a once flourishing career for me.
I created another.

He thought that I would never leave him.
I left him.

Yes, HE made me powerful. And he cannot break me.

I waved goodbye to little C who was sitting in the backseat listening and I felt deep, deep sadness. This is one of those things that I cannot change.

I have come to realize over these past four years since I started this blog that we don’t always want what we think we want. That man that we want so badly right now and who we would sell our souls to have, may not be the one. Isn’t that something?

I’ve had a lot of lovers in my quest for ‘the one’. My search may be over and it may not be over. That I don't know. But I trust that I have the ability to recognize when it’s time to let go for . That’s why my friends call me a serial dater.

That’s a label that I accept with great pride.

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