MAKING IT WORK

“We are not going to make it,” I thought.

I remember thinking this a couple of times over the span of the year that we have been dating. That is not unusual is it? Do we not all have those moments?

I have had moments in all my relationships when I look at a man and think we are not going to fucking make it. Sometimes it is over right then, but most times it blows over. This time, I push the thought away but could not escape the sadness.

Nick was telling about the counseling session with his ex-wife and their children. “My son is going to move in with me,” he said.

I feel a plethora of emotions and a lot of questions. I feel happiness that they will have the time together. I know how important it is for both of them. I'm happy but don't feel it.

I feel confusion. What about his job? He travels 85% of the time, how is he going to raise his son when he travels so much?

I feel sadness. Where does that leave us?

He has a lot to say about the counseling session and I listen, thinking baby, I love you, I support you, I want you to spend time with your son, and I know you have to travel, but where does this leave me? Where does that leave us?

I did not say anything. A strong dose of guilt hit me, followed by frustration and sadness again. I feel helpless. I can’t complain about his job and don’t dare complain about his son moving in with him. I have nothing. I can feel but cannot express my feelings without coming off like a selfish little wench? This is bigger and deeper than me, and I know it.

I understand that Nick has to travel, I accept it, but I don't see him enough. I deal with it. But I don’t see him enough.

And when he’s home, I don’t expect him to devote the remaining 15% of his time with me. He has his boys. He has his friends. He loves to play golf…and it is important to me that he maintains his relationships and interests outside of us. Not to mention that I have a demanding career and Little C and I'm not always available. Right now, I average about 10% of Nick's time.

When his son moves in, I will see less of him. Moving in together is still on hold. I'm not ready.
Can I function in this relationship where I see so little of my man?

"Yes," I can get used to not seeing him and be okay with it. I just dont want to--I want to be around him enough to know if I can tolerate him two years from now. He comes home. He gives me cock. And he leaves again. Isn't that a booty caller?

I don't see him enough to grow with or apart from him. I do not touch, or taste, or smell him enough. I do not fuck him enough.

Still…I do not complain…because I understand and I accept.

I realize today that I don’t know where or how I fit in his life. I know precisely where he fits in mine. I’m here, steadfast and committed full of understanding and acceptance.

I can't help wondering if I am understanding and accepting myself out of a relationship.

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[J-Roc]

I missed you, Kitten. When did you begin writing again?