What defines us most?
Is it the things we do or the things we don’t do?
I was ready to break up with Nick.
I told myself I’d had enough. My needs weren't being met. I didn’t want to be in a once-in-a-while “relationship”.
I was starting to feel that we’d broken up even though we didn’t officially. His absence and lack of effort spoke volume. His actions screamed loudly that I wasn't a priority.
He disagreed with me, said I was a spoiled little woman. “Kitten, what you call lack of effort is merely lack of time. We’re still here. I love you more than ever, you’re my little love,”
If that's true, why do I feel so alone in this “relationship?"
I don’t think that relationships are necessarily complicated, we make them so with our inability to accept them for what they are. The truth is always there if we want to see it. The lies are always clear, if we choose to hear them.
But we see what we want, and believe what we want to believe. But if we take off the blindfolds, if we stop accepting our excuses-- and just look, we will see what’s really there.
I don’t wear blinders.
“What defines us most?” I asked Nick. “Is it the things we do, or the things we don’t do?”
“Both,” he said.
“…And Kitten, I’m sick of your shit. You’re constantly blaming me for not spending enough time with you. But you’re the one who doesn’t want to commit to me. I came up with a solution to our problem a long time ago. The only way I can spend time with you and the boys is for you to move in with me. With our schedules, and I’m not the only one who has shit going on…it’s the only thing we can do, but every time I bring it up, you get this horrified look. And it makes me wonder... Kitten, if you love me so much why does the thought of moving in with me terrifies you so?
Why aren‘t you willing to take a chance with me? I’m saying let's do it. You’re the one who’s holding back. How did I become the bad guy in all this?” He asked.
I didn’t answer right away because I was thinking about what to say. I still have no intention of moving in with him. Why? I didn't want to - that's all therewas to it.
“I think that we are defined by the things we do and don’t do,” he said. “But moreso, by the things we don’t do. And honey, you're not giving an inch and you can't have it all,”
I thought about it for a long time, and decided that he was right. But I'm still not moving.