Decision time

I sat at Nick’s Kitchen table listening to him on the phone with his ex-wife.

From Nick's side of the conversation it was clear that she made last minute plans and wanted Nick to take the kids… on our weekend, that we planned weeks ago. This was constant. He never says no, I have plans.

Never.

Between the kids and traveling, time together was almost non-existant. We were going to try and reconnect.

I stare at him as he agree to take them at the same time flashing me an apologetic look. The same look that I received the week before when one of his friends called to play golf. Instead of saying "no, I'm spending the day with Kitten," he told me that he was going to play golf. I cursed him out.

But not this time. I was done. Enough. No more tantrums. What the fuck am I fighting for?

“I’m sorry, baby but…” he started when he got off the phone.

“I have to get going,” I said. “If you still want that fuck, now's the time to get it,”

“Aren’t we going talk about the weekend?”

“I don’t have anything to say about it,” I answered. He looked at me seeming puzzled. “I’m sorry we have to change our plans, but she wants me to take the kids…”

“Are we going to fuck or not?”

“Can we talk first?”

“It’s not a problem,” I said. “Because I’ve decided that you and I are no longer an issue. I’ve decided that what we have right now is all we’ll ever have. Lets call this what it is…this is a casual let’s meet and fuck relationship. That’s all it’s been for a while now. And we can, for now, continue to meet and fuck when it's convenient for us. But there is no need pretending that we’re in a committed relationship when there‘s obviously no commitment on your part,"

“Wait a minute. What the fuck are you talking about?” I closed my computer and got up from his kitchen table.

“I’m going to take off,” I said. And I walk away feeling more like me than I have in months. I left him staring after me.

It hit me as I opened my car door and climbed in how familiar this scene was in my life.

Comments

[sean]

Hey babes, you are a babe? Contact me!

[Tess]

Kitten,

You are one fierce woman. I think a lot of women could learn so much from you. I'm sorry that this happened with this man you clearly love but you never back down from your truth. I admire that intensely.

And Sean, whoever you are, you are one clueless fuckwit.

[Martin Allert]

Kitten,

I understand you, you are angry and to speak with Yoda ("Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.") I think this time you are on the wrong side of the power trip.

You are admirably strong, but what makes us really strong is to know our weakness.
You fear to move in to Nick, to put more feelings into it that you maybe can bear, to be deeply disappointed again. Your weakness is your incredible big fear of being hurt again.

When I am angry, it takes a lot power to halt immediately, to say stop to myself. There is a chinese proverb printed out in my office, hanging on my back wall:
"Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you ever regret."
So calm down and talk to him again. There is nothing harder than to open a previously hard slammed door.

Life is an adventure movie and you are actor, producer and director in one person. So it's in your hands to make everything fine or to ruin everything.

Don't dump him. Give him a chance. I am a father of two, happily married. Being a geek in an IT company I have working times you would, compared to Nicks, never accept. I know what it means coming home to my castle, hoping for a break to recycle my batteries. Instead, my four-old sweetheart is claiming her dads time and little Sebastian wants to be taken for a ride on my back to give his mother a rest.

I know my responsability. I can't get away with it and it is the way is _has_ to be. Times are over, where men go around the block for fetching cigarettes in five minutes, not coming back. Kids come first, for they are our future. The rest comes in the second place. Therefore I understand Nick taking the kids on your common weekend. His ex-wife spoiled your weekend, but should the kids be blamed for? No, I don't think so. But this is your reaction to it.

Before I married my wife, we had a weekend relationship going for nine years. Believe me, sometimes it was a fuck-and-meet relationship. We had to come over it, as we strongly believed we belong together, like the two half of man in some greek mythology.

Although I don't know the exact circumstances why you won't move to him (maybe his ex-wife, a getting-on-the-nerves-mother-in-law, etc.), I recommend to try it first before denying it.

Moving in general terms is the fundamental reason why change exists. Without moving, mankind would have never discovered the wheel. I think you need to change a bit in your behaviour.

I used to behave like this for a long time at the office and due to the friendship to my boss I did not get fired, although he said to me he had done it a year ago, if we were not so close together. The world keeps moving, constantly, but if you won't move, you are like a piece of rock, waiting for time to go by and hoping erosion will not be as bad as seen on the other rocks. So think about your position again and again.

Write down what enrages you, take a daily look at it, and when you can look at the paper without getting angry, you are done with it and can burn your paper. Talk with Nick about it in a calm voice, discussing not blaming anybody.

And to conclude my words here's another chinese proverb from my wall:
"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

Yours,

Martin

[Kat]

You are a rock, babe. I'm just sorry things are quite going they way you hoped they would with Nick. I was hoping, too. I was hoping that he would see that you aren't just a woman of convenience. It sounds to me like he doesn't have a clue. But then again, I am just a spectator.

Love to you, babe.
Keep steady.

[Kat (different one)]

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to do what you did. I wish I had used my head and not my heart. I stayed with my "Nick", even married him. And, unfortunately, to this day I am still playing 4th fiddle to his ex-wife and two kids. I realize his kids are important and at times must come first. Howeaver, I keep thinking, hoping and waiting for the day that I come first. Alas, I'm sorry to say, the only thing living together and getting married does, is make it easier for him to take advantage of disappointing you.

[soul]

This has been a long time coming hasn't it Kitten?.

You've done things with Nick that are out of your familiar, possibly because you yearn for more. But when it comes down to it, it's changing you and you don't seem tolike the change.

I don't think you ever wanted to be the girl that sits around waiting for her man to rock his world, you have always wanted more, including the right to quality time.

It's funny cos if the roles were reversed, I doubt most dudes would have time for that, but I can't condemn him for taking on his parental responsibilities.

In the end, it just seems you guys are in the right place at the wrong time.