Nick is not a bad man. He's a committed father to his girls. He's funny, outgoing, and kind. He has high standards and expectations--all good. I love so much about Nick. That’s why I stayed with him as long as I did.
Nothing he did or said was ever meant to hurt me. I know this. I've also changed my mind that he doesn't love me. I'm sure he does--in his own way. But I deserve better than in-his-own-way-kind-of love.
I deserve I-know-that-you’re-the-woman-for-me-and-baby-we’ll-slay-dragons-together-kind-of-love. If you can't make it through the tough times with the person you supposedly love, you're not in it for the right reasons.
He should not have to deal with my Thorr if he doesn't want to. That would be a disaster, wouldn’t it? Like I said...I understand his reasons.
But that means he needs to move on.
I am a packaged deal. It cannot be any other way. Three for one, baby—take it or leave it.
If “Thorr” were an adult, and acting like an ass, it would be a different story. He would have to dig himself out of his own mess. But he’s a minor and my responsibility. And I love him—unconditionally even in moments when I'm practicing tough love.
I can’t help it. It’s in my genes. I will do any and everything in my power not to lose him.
Giving up on him is not an option.
When I was a teenager and rebelling and making stupid decisions, my parents did not give up on me. Thorr is not a bad child, he’s a rebellious teenager who is making some seriously bad decisions. That does not mean that there’s no hope for him.
I look forward to the well-adjusted man I know that he can grow up to be. There will be a day when this child will say, thank you mom, for not giving up on me.
Nick has two teenage children with similar issues as Thorr. It never crossed my mind that I couldn’t and didn’t want to deal with them. I loved him unconditionally. How else could we work? Good or bad, I knew and accepted that his boys were part of the deal. That's why him telling me that he wants me but doesn't want Thor doesn't make any fucking sense to me.
Not everyone loves unconditionally. I know that. But it was tough to swallow that the man I'd given two years of my life, mostly in wait...didn't love me the way I thought he did.
I don't blame him. I blame me. I was the one who waited.
I understand that I come with a tall order. Many men do not want to date women with children much less one with a rebellious teenager.
I just have to find the one who does or not.
It doesn’t really matter.
I had a wonderful Christmas with my boys. I watched them opened presents and play and fight and makeup. I watch Caesar throw his six year old arms around Thorr and kiss him on the cheek. "Merry Christmas Thorr," he said. "I love you,"
I watch them intently and love pours out of me. This for me, is what life’s about. There is no place else in the world I’d rather be.
That's how you know that you're in the right place.