I had brunch with Emily today. I wrote about her in a previous post called "The Perfect Life" She’s been on my mind a lot of late. When she called to see if we could meet, I scheduled her in.
I was hoping to see Emily looking better. And was shocked to find out that Ben left her almost two years ago for another woman. And instead of getting better, instead of healing, Emily was spiraling out of control. She was fatter than the last time I saw her. And aging rapidly. Still holding on, and bitter about the breakup. Child support, spousal support and every other kind of support. The blame was endless. He lied. He cheated. He made her give up her career. He left her penniless. He did this, he did that, he did everything.
“And Emily what did you do?” I wondered.
“Kitten,” she said. “How did I become this woman? I saw the way you looked at me at the gym. You‘ve always worn your thoughts on your face,”
Earlier that day, I was on the phone with an old friend and she got upset with me because she asked my opinion about something and didn't like what I had to say. Thing is, she knows me. And should've known that she was going to get the truth no matter what it looks like.
I was tempted to be as candid with Emily but wasn't sure if I should keep my mouth shut and just listen. Here she was wallowing in self-pity. Stressed out. Getting fat over a man who left her for another woman.
I understand the hurt.
Yes. I understand it completely. We're humans. We have a heart. We bleed. But for how long? And when is enough,enough? All the energy she's expending on hating and blaming, why not focus that energy into strengthening and improving herself?
I think that when we make a mistake, we should admit it. Accept the consequences and move on. Don't beat ourselves up. Don't lose sleep. Hurt yes. Cry and scream, yes, but at some point - stop and move on.
Maybe a breakup is not good or bad - it’s just a break-up. Not all relationships are meant to last a long time. Most come only for a moment and when they end, it means that the relationship has run its course and served it's purpose. Find the purpose and you'll find the value. I think that we are all stepping stones to someone or someplace else.
No one have the power to turn us bitter and hateful and angry. We choose to be bitter and hateful and angry.
No one can leave us penniless if we make our own money and is in control of it.
No one can take away your self-esteem. You have to give it away.
No one can take your confidence. If they can, you didn’t have it to begin with.
If you need a man or woman to make you whole, what happens if they leave you? Are you half a person?
If you need a man to be happy, what happens if he leaves you? Will you then be miserable?
If you are not happy with who you are, no one can make you happy.
I stared at her, thinking that she became this person because she wanted to be the wife of a physician. She cloaked herself in his status and success and claimed it as her own. But without Dr. Ben, who was Emily? The woman before me was what's left after Ben took his status and his money away.
“You’re going to have to stop this,” I said waving at her. “You’re not living well, Emily. Stop worrying about what Ben is doing. It’s irrelevant. He’s not thinking about you and stressing out, being unhappy, eating to dull the pain is only hurting you,”
She stared at me with pure anger. I thought that she was going to curse me out. But her voice was unemotional.
“You just don’t understand,” she said.
"What don't I understand?"
"I loved him. We were supposed to be together forever,"
"Forever ended, Em. Of mice and men, even the best laid plans fall apart,"
"It wasn't supposed to,"
"But it did. You were full of life before you met Ben. You were happy and healthy. You laughed all the time. What happened to that woman?"
"I don't know, Kit,"
"Find her," I said. "And you will be Emily again only stronger.
“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together,”
~ Elizabeth Taylor~