Gone

I will be the first to take a whip and peel the flesh from my bones.
Before anyone can strip me naked, I will have already known what it’s like to be naked.

But I feel whipped and naked against my will with not even flesh to cover my bones.

“...And in this shattered mind I will find myself. Between the folds of my belly and the handful of my thighs”

These words are from a poem I wrote many, many years ago about a fat woman who told me that she felt lost between her folds. They came to me now from deep within like a distant echo I cannot silence. They do not fit, yet they fit, symbolically. I have been unable to write the words. I deny them. Cursed them, hide from them even though I cannot escape them.

Kenny died.

I made love to him mere minutes before he left for the office one morning. Mid-day I received a call that he was taken to the hospital for chest pains. By the time I got to the hospital, twenty minutes later, he was gone.

I have spent the last two and a half months scraping myself off the walls—trying to find myself in my shattered emotions—trying with all that I am to stop crying and feeling and thinking...

I couldn't come here. I just couldn't. How does an open wound heal?

I am well. I am Kitten. I stumble. I fall. I cry and moan. I get battered and bruised, and I falter at times, oh I have faltered, found myself more than once of the edge. But I do not break.

I will not disappear. I am bound as if by blood to this place. It's here that I have lost and find myself. It's here that Kenny and I will live forever.

I don't know what this place will look like moving forward, but it will continue.

Comments

[Keki]

Oh s***! Oh no. I am saddened.
There are no words

[LK]

Say it isn't so. Not Kenny.
I'm sorry babe. Can I hug you?

[Lisa]

OMG I am so sorry!!!

[Emily]

OMG! I'm glad you're back
Was worried and missed you
But damn
This is so sad

["m"]

For the longest time, I was so envious of you cuz you had Kenny, so "yummy" for you. But that was ok because I got glimpses into you guys' world and the deep connection you had. Words cannot express how so, so sorry I am to hear about your lost. I will send good thoughts into the Universe for both and Kenny in honor of that relationship and in hopes that at the soul and spirit level you both will soar.

[Collette]

I am so, so terribly sorry.

[A long time Fan]

Shit! I am stunned and horrified!! I send you countless blessings and hugs and peace and love and I hope Kenny's spirit is with you always loving you from a distance. I can only find some consolation in the fact that the last couple of years of his life was spent with you and I'm sure that was heaven on earth for him. I wish you all the best in life and I hope in time God sends you another love as powerful as Kenny's. I am so sorry! Peace and Love!

[Sope]

SAD doesn't even begin to quantify hw I feel......sorry about your loss. An avid reader.....

[Robin]

Damn! This seems so unfair...
You are Kitten! There are a million hugs coming your way. Feel them.

RIP, K.

[Miss Enigma]

My sincere and deepest sympathy. I pray that the Lord heals u and comforts u. RIP.

[Elizabeth]

Oh Kitten
I'm so sorry this happened.

Take care of yourself honey. Hugs.

[k bare]

there are no words.
my deepest sympathy.
you know how to find me.
i will be there if you choose to.

hold fast to love, dear kitten.

[Kelly]

OMG!
Hugs. Just hugs, big ones

[Carla]

Oh Kitten,
My warmest sympathy to you
Good bless

RIP

[Michael]

Hey Kitten
I'm here if you need me.

Take care of yourself, sugar

[Darling]

Hi Kitten. Looong time reader but I have never commented
My warmest regards.
I feel for you, but I don't worry about you.
When Kitten is given lemons she will make lemonade.

[Babs]

I sheared tears just by reading your words. It so painful to lose someone not to say loved one.

[Messenger]

You are cursed...
It's gods way of telling you that the way you live your life is ungodly.

Start going to church. Repent your sins so that you can be saved.

[Lucy]

@ Messenger...
You're a jackass
Shut your ignorant, judgmental pie-hole.

[Ms.O]

OMG!!!! Sorry Kitten! RIP K..