I didn’t answer when I heard Allan pounding on my door. He knows the code to the garage and would let himself in. I was having one of my moments… I am a crab. I needed my shell.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room with the blinds drawn. I planned to open them before Caesar got home.
He opened the blinds before joining me on the couch.
“Did you have lunch?” he asked.
“I’m not hungry,” I said. It’s amazing how often I forget to eat.
“I’m taking you to lunch. Let’s go,” he said taking my hand and pulling me up. I was going
to resist, but didn’t. I understand the necessity to force myself to do things. The crab in me is fully capable of staying in my shell for a very long time.
I didn’t have to get ready. I get ready every morning whether I have somewhere to go or not. I fix my hair. I oil my skin. I put on nice clothing. I will not allow myself to get to a place where I am afraid and or ashamed to look at myself in the mirror.
It's not easy to get back from such a place. One can get lost forever. I look at myself every day. I look long and hard. I face the questions. They are plenty and some are unkind. There’s an ongoing battle between what I know to be true and what I’m feeling. I’m not feeling what I know. Sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning in emotions.
We went to our favorite restaurant. I ordered dessert first, peach cobbler and ice-cream. Kenny always ordered dessert first. He didn’t understand the concept of saving the best for last. “Wouldn’t it make sense to have the best first, just in case you never get to it?” He asked me on our first date many years ago.
Allan is like my familiar. We talked about a lot of things.
“I’m not worried about you, Kitten,” he said. “I know you well enough to know that you’re going to be all right. But I am worried about your heart?”
Allan knows the woman I used to be. The one I became after I left CX and lost pieces of myself that I may never get back.
I lost the capacity to trust. And I wouldn't let anyone close to my heart. But I couldn’t be her again if I tried. I’ve been truly loved and I have loved truly. I cannot un-know what I know.
I am not worried about my heart.