When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade.
If I fall, I will get back up.
It does not matter what hand I am dealt in life…I will re-invent myself if necessary
I will survive.
I am back in court with CX (crazy x-boyfriend). I have written about him over the years. He was the reason I started this blog and began my journey of self-discovery, to figure out how I could've gotten involved with such a man. Like alot of women, I ignored all the signs, rejected logic, and followed lust into hell.
I now believe that CX is a sociopath/psychopath. For nine years, I have been harassed, tortured, threatened, controlled, lied about, dragged in and out of court, vilified to any and everyone who will listen to him.
It was pointed out to me that I wear like a second skin, a steel, invisible cloak around me. Looking back, I can trace step by step when it became vital to wear this steeled cloak. It was when I figured out that if I didn't protect myself, CX was going to destroy me.
It is recommended that the only way to get rid of a S/P is to separate oneself entirely from them. I would move to the end of the earth, if I could, but he and I are forever bound through Caesar and there is no where for me to go. I have been his cornered rat, weakened only by the fact that I hurt, that my heart can swell and break. I am crippled by my love for my son; he uses him like a piece in a chess game to stay relevant in my life.
I have spent the last 8 plus years hoping that we can get to a point of peace and civility. I now know that there is no such hope. Had I known what I was dealing with, I would have dealt with it better. I would have responded differently to a lot of things. I would not have spent my life trying to ‘deal with’ and ‘accommodate’ someone who is incapable of living without misery.
I understand now how for someone whose mission it is to break and destroy me, the above declarations of strength and survival would have to be redefined into callous, cold heartedness.
But I know myself...and what I am is a survivor.
There are things and people in my life with which, and with whom I have had to let go, not because I wanted to, but because it was necessary, despite the pain. I am told that I make tough decisions better than most, I do not know if that is true, but I do know that I can face the most disastrous situations with my back straight and my head high, and I will step out into the sunshine or rain to face WHATEVER is to come despite the pain.
I do know and can accept that things will happen in life over which I have absolutely no control.
It is never easy, but I have at times bottled my tears until later. I have walked on legs that felt like rubber. I have shown up to places and events from which I wanted to hide. I have spoken up when I know that my words will hurt me. I have slowed a speeding pulse to silence my heart and act when necessary, despite the pain.
I left CX many years ago, not because I wanted to, I may have even loved him, but he was a danger to me. Not all relationships are meant to last forever.
I have left others, because I was not good for them.
I am trying with everything in me to let go of Kenny, not because I want to--but because I must—because he is gone. Some of us are not meant to live a long time. That does not mean that I am not still on my knees.
But I know myself...
And every time I am knocked down, I will get back up.
When life hands me lemons, I will make the most delicious lemonade.
For every piece of me that is stripped away, I will grow a new skin, more beautiful and stronger than I had before.
I will re-invent myself if necessary. I will survive.