Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men...Avoid it, and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence.”
There are moments when I ask myself, how I could have fallen for such a man? I am trying to forgive myself my poor judgment. I am sure that I am not the only woman who fell for CX’s charm only to find out soon after that he was paper thin and without substance.
He and I were not all bad. We had our moments when the wind was crisp with change and the trees though dying, explode in the most vibrant array of colors. He and I used to lay naked for hours in the crisp Fall air talking about our lives, from where we came and where we were headed. His childhoood stories were strange and dark, but I thought little of them. How could our childhood have so much impact on who we've become? I now know that who we are can be traced back to the beginning.
He spoke of a father who disappeared when he was very young, so young that memories were few and the few were nightmares. He said that his father was a gambler and a womanizer who left his mother and started a life with another woman without ever looking back. He spoke of a day in which he saw his father, he was on his bike and he rode over to him. “Dad, he called out. Dad,” The new woman came out of the house. “Who is this boy?” she asked. “I don’t know,” his father replied. “I’ve never seen him before,”
Tears welled up in me as I absorbed the pain of that little boy's heart. I wanted to wrap myself around him and never let go. I wanted my arms to be his shelter from the storm. That he would never, ever, ever be hurt like that again. The picture of a young him denied by his father haunted me. I write it now and I cry for his innocence. Yet, he laughed when he saw how broken up I was about it. “It’s all right,” he said.
How could it be all right? The memories that stay with us are the best and worst of who we are. They do not leave and they do not grow dim with time. Others are jarred to life when stimulated by something familiar, but not the ones that shape us.
And of his mother, he said that she was abusive. That she worked hard, but struggled everyday to make ends meet. He expressed volcanic hatred and rage for her. “She called me “The Devil” he said one day, and again he laughed.
My admiration for him was evident in those days. I wanted the world for him. I wanted to save the little boy who in many ways I realized had never become a man. So yes, we had our moments of absolute bliss when everything stood still… in the beginning.
Were his stories true? I don’t know. I’ve met his mother and she seems wonderful. I used to think that his hatred for me was a projection of his feelings for her. But I think it's more than that, something far more sinister, a genetic gift perhaps given to him by a man who had so blatantly denied him. IF it happened at all.
I was telling my friend Tyson about CX today. Tyson is a recluse. His home is built deep in a secluded aread. He has never been married. And doesn’t have any children or family of which I know. He said that the world is too unkind. He does not want to be a part of it. Tyson is seventy-two years old and looks at me with gray eyes that sees right through me. At least once a year, I stop in for a visit. He is always reading or painting. Tyson is like my father without the warmth.
“You are Ying and Yang,” he said. He is your opposite like hot and cold. Black and white. Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable,"
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“You’re a healer by nature and he is a destroyer. He was drawn to you because he is missing something that you have and you were drawn to him because on a subconscious level you could feel that he is empty. You wanted to heal him and he wanted to destroy you. That was the attraction from the beginning.
The result of this type of union is what's playing out in your life right now. One of two things usually happens... One, he devours and destroys you, or you figures out his plan and escape before it's too late. But he can't help himself, and will continue his assault on your life using whatever means and or methods that he can find no matter the cost. This usually leads to self destruction,"
I stared at him. Speechless, trying to focus the blaring lights that kept going off inside my head. What a fantastic idea?
"That's ridiculous," I said.
"Is it? He asked and turned his back to make a few strokes on the soaring eagle that he was painting.
"His objective was to devour you until there is nothing left. Tyson continued. "But you left before he got done with you. He is trying to finish what he started. You are food to him, to be consumed and discarded when you no longer possess what makes you special,”
“But why?” I asked choking back tears.
“That’s who he is, just as you are who you are. There are monsters and angels right here on earth, Kitten. There has since the beginnig of time a war between good and evil. Do you think that you and I are sitting here by accident?” he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "But if that's true, what now?"
“Whatever you’re doing is what you should be doing. No one knows how it’s going to end. But whatever the result, it will be as it should be,” he said. “Caesar is your heart which makes him your weakness. He knows that,”
He must have noticed the look of terror on my face because he said the first emotional thing he’s ever said to me in all the years I’ve known him… He threw his arms around me, "You are the closest I have to a family. You are the only one who comes just to sit and talk with an old man. You still have what makes you special,”
We sat in silence for a while, me looking out into the distance thinking of what is to come. What is Caesar's fate in all this?
I looked up to find him watching me.
"It may be out of your control," he said.