I have had moments of absolute terror and loss. It's been a life marked by scratches and scrapes and bumps and bruises inflicted by time lived. The mistakes are plenty. And the lessons learned are timeless. Through it all, I can still say that mine is a beautiful, self-filling, uncompromised life.
I have loved to the depth of me, my family, friends and the men with whom I have shared my life.
I have been asked how it is that I can still be hopeful with all that I have been through. I know this: There is beauty and magic in this world. I have touched, tasted and lain naked in blissful surrender. Do we not sometimes cry from laughter? Does a rainstorm not pass and make way for sunlight? Has there ever been a time when dusk did not turn to dawn? The ying and yang of life are indisputable.
And then, there are fundamental guidelines by which I live that keeps me balance and grounded.
I refuse to live in the shadows of someone else’s world.
I do not buy into fairytales.
I do not allow myself to be abused and misused by anyone or thing.
I have not and will not bend to the destructive dictums of society.
I would rather be an outcast than be accepted on a lie.
I remind myself no matter what is going on to stop and smell the roses. I value the simple things in life.
Standing up for what I believe in has more often than not left me standing outside the fence. I don't mind standing outside the fence.
One of six daughters, it was necessary to assert and define myself at a young age. I was never part of the herd even then. I observed the world with interest and curiosity and quiet amusement, but never wanted to be part of the circus. I took instead the roads less travelled, the ones with undiscovered bends, some steep, some dark, some winding, but marked with discoveries along the way. I got in trouble a lot, but it was worth it. I learned that fear is like a double edge sword, it warns of danger, but can also hinder one from being the best that one can be.
I was often misunderstood …
That little girl still lives at the core of me, protected by all that I have become. I am still standing outside of the fence observing... I can clearly see those who have sold their souls and are being led to slaughter. She is a constant reminder that I am built in stages and phases, chiseled in invisible layers and fused together with time. There is sadness in me now that was not there before.
I view this time even with my broken heart and nine years of swimming in shark infested water as approaching shore. I am chewed up, but alive. There is a sense of freedom and liberation to my life into which I have to grow. CX did not break my will. He brought out the warrior in me. He forced me to fight or die. I picked up the sword and discovered that I was masterful in wielding it.
To the reader who emailed me this question: Do you feel damaged by dating a man like CX?
Yes and no. I am forever changed but not all bad. I have gained in strength, courage, and awareness. I have learned to see the invisible. Choose my battles. Know when to run and when to fight. I learned that life is not fair. I learned that I am stronger and more powerful than I knew.
This experience with CX was mine to have. There is a little boy with my blood coursing through his veins and he is brilliant and amazing and he was meant to be. One cannot fight and win against what IS. But we can learn from it.
Every experience is an opportunity to learn about oneself. I hope that I have been a good student.
I don’t know what is around the next bend, but it will not be a life of defeat. I will not surrender nor will I be defined by the moments that bring me to my knees. My legacy will be or rising from the ashes.
There is much living and laughing to do. I have and will continue to lay naked and pulsating in a lover's arms even with CX lurking in the shadows. I will take a chance at trust. Not every man will want to do me harm. And I will continue to give and accept love when it is offered to me.
“Out of chaos comes order”
I am moving towards order. I demand it.