Know Thyself

Over a glass of wine, after three days of defending my life and my name in court, with classic music blaring throughout his house, Eric threw a blanket over my shoulder. “Kitten. You are a survivor. You live your life in survival mode,”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Even in a crowded room, you stand alone,” he said. “You never get close to anyone. You are here with me yet you're millions of miles away,”

I set the glass on the table. It was the way he said it, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes that threatened to break me. I have spoken to him of CX…

Survival mode…

I have seen CX manipulate and spun a web of lies over truth so masterful it blows my mind.
I have seen insanity in the eyes of a man who sells himself as sane.
I have witnessed evil disguised as care.
I have seen him destroy a child's heart and call it love.
I have seen him in all his shades of gray and darkness. I KNOW the truth. And it is this truth that has forced me into exile.

I don’t say that lightly... I stand alone not just to protect myself from his lies and accusations but to protect others who get too close to me. Thorr and Caesar are greatest at risk.

I have been infected and affected by CX’s insanity. His abuse on my life has taken a tremendous toll. I have kept myself intact by sheer will. I think back to who I was when I met him and I understand now how it happened. I was perfect prey for a predator. I did not know myself or what I wanted from life. I trusted the world in which I live. I was still innocent and searching.

Know thyself. That is what has saved me these last eight years. That is what saves me now.

I have been accused of being “all about myself”. Let me say this, SELF comes first. We are no good to anyone if we are lost and broken. I cannot love my boys if I do not love myself. I cannot guide them, if I am searching for myself.

I have been accused of being disconnected. I am misunderstood... I am careful. I am protective of my children, my name, reputation and my life.

It was important to understand the kind of person with whom I was dealing and what dangers CX posed to me and the boys. What I found terrified me but may have also saved my life. I was constantly putting my life in danger by seeking what I thought could be a peaceful resolution for all of us. I succeeded only in providing CX with ammunition with which to use against me.

1. Threats. I live in constant fear for my life. Not only did he try to kill me years ago, he thrives on threatening my confidence, self-worth, sanity and growth…using manipulative techniques that he feels will degrade and shame me into silence. Yet here I am singing like a canary not because I am fearless, but because I understand that silence will not protect me. How many silent ME’s are out there?

2. Walking on egg-shells. I think about everything I say and do. I have fought hard to trust again, and I have moments when I let down my guard, but never for long. I will watch and observe from a distance, and if I have the slightest sense that something is amiss, I am gone. I have developed killer gut instinct. (This is not all bad) But there are people with whom I have left standing in my dust, who could’ve added value to my life. I am infected.

3. Isolation. I purposely avoid my friends in order to protect them from him. There are people close to me whose name I have never mentioned in his presence. I warn every man with whom I get involve about him. He has attacked every serious relationship that I have been in since meeting him. He has succeeded in restricting my life in ways that are deep and personal.

4. Silence. I used to be afraid to talk about him because the stories are so bizarre that for someone who has never dealt with someone like him, the stories are beyond comprehension and sounds too fantastic to be true. When I told the story of him undergoing penis enlargement surgery because I made a comment about the mammoth size of a pornstar’s cock, people found it hard to believe. One lawyer told me not to tell anyone because one may wonder what I was doing watching porn. I didn’t listen to him.

5. Control. Caesar and Thorr are my heart and therefore HIS weapon of choice. Any man/woman who has ever tried to leave a sociopath or a person not diagnosed, but who exhibits sociopathic traits will tell you that the bloodiest of battles will take place in the courts. Mine is especially dangerous because CX is a former police officer. He is a marine. He's a lawyer with a Ph.d. He has also run for political office. He knows how to sell a credible persona. He is masterful.

So am I.

I woke up at 3:30 am one morning and knew what must be done. The answers to most of my life’s questions are stored in my childhood memories. By age seven, I was set in stone. My father's voice came through strong and clear. "There is no situation that you cannot use to your advantage, Kitten. Turn his strength into weakness. Turn your weakness into strength,"

Expose him using that which he uses to terrorize. The court system. Funny, a court of LAW that should protect victims gives someone like him the tools and the mean to wreak havoc. The lenses through which I viewed the situation was all wrong.

Will this madness ever end is a question that I am often asked by those who know us. The answer is yes. Every beginning has an end. Every end has a beginning.

How it will end is the big question. As Tyson said in my previous post, that decision may be out of my hands.

I know one thing: I must be willing to die so that I may live.

Comments

[Taylor]

I know that this is a serious matter. But at the end of this article, I smiled for you. You are going to be all right.

[RJ]

"I must be willing to die so that I may live,"
A powerful statement. Most of us can never let go of the fear to do what is necessary to free oneself.

I am constantly amazed by you.

[Niah]

Hey Kitten. I know all about standing alone even in a crowded room. Sorry for all you've been through. What does not kill you have made you stronger. I have read a lot of your articles...grreat stuff.

[kmplx]

atta girl. that's my skit. you WILL overcome.

[Mel]

"SELF comes first. We are no good to anyone if we are lost and broken,"
I am sooo with you on this. Funny how in our society self-sacrifice is a requirement to prove that we care. Such BS! My mother sacrificed everything for her children. I am thankful, but I wish that she had taken time to care for herself. I think that she would have enjoyed us more if she had. She sacrificed yes, but she was bitter and angry for it.

I've been reading you for a long time. I love your perspective on things. I can also see why you would stand alone. Most don't think like you do, but it does not mean that you are wrong. I find your perspective refreshing. Keep strong.

CX, what a nightmare! You will persevere. Sorry for the long comment:)

[Victoria]

Just want to say that I think you are amazing. There is so much that I admire about you. One day you will walk out of darkness into dawn. You will have earned it.

[Sharon]

Kitten...I can't say it enough...you have a powerful voice. One that is unique and inspiring.

"All things shall pass,"

[The angel on your shoulder]

The way to stop a thief is to catch him in the act
A murder must kill, to be caught. Use against him that which he uses to terrorize
Brilliant!

[A-lec]

A wise man once said that that which strengthens a man also weakens him.
This is a valuable lesson that you have learned.

[Emily]

Sending you hugs and PEACE. I have dealt with one of these souless men. He tore apart my life for years. I'm still rebuilding. You are one of the fortunate. You realized what he is before it's too late. I am saddened for your son.

[Niah]

Time heals all wounds.
Been reading you for years. You've been writing about CX. Funny how's it has come together.
There is freedom in knowing.
You are blessed. God does not give us more than we can handle. He knows your strength.

[Kelly]

Long time reader... I went back and read your entries on this guy. Gives me chills because I recognize him in my ex husband who IS a sociopath.

I'm glad that now you know what you're dealing with and will now protect yourself. Most are not aware that people like this exist and will not understand what you are going through. Bravo for sharing your story.

[Counselor]

There are several resource sites that you should check out. Readers have already recommeded lovefraud.com which is an excellent source.

There are also a lot of books written on this subject.

The world of victims is a lonely, lonely place. Some never recover.
These people should NEVER be allowed around children. They are dangerous because they manipulate their young minds.

I am a mental health counselor. I work with both victims and victimizers.

Take care and keep strong. Writing about your experience will help you heal.

[Carla]

Sending love and strengh, sweetie.
Take care of yourself.