The road to nowhere

I was sitting on a bench staring at the ocean when I was joined by a young man. A rain cloud passed overhead and showered us for a minute or two, the sun was still shining. All around people scurried for shelter. The man and I did not move or said a word. We sat there as if existing in our own time and space separate from everyone else.

I was thinking of all that I’ve lost in the last two years. I felt as if life has taken from me all that I love.

Thorr is still trying to be a man before his time. I held on as long as I could, trying desperately to change his course in life. I failed. He thrashed me about like a bull-fighter with a death wish. In the end, I was forced to let go or get trampled under the force of a teenager who was chasing something that I could not see. I am left with nothing but hope that the path he's chosen will not take him to places from which he will not be able to find his way back home.

As for Caesar, CX and I are embroiled in another custody battle. It is the second in Caesar’s nine years of life. Both in response to me filing for child support. Had I known what I now know about CX, would I have taken him to court? I don't know but I am glad I did. I have always known that something was wrong with him. This time I went in search for answers. What I found has led to the most difficult decision of my life…one that devastated me beyond anything that I have ever experienced, and again, I found myself being forced to let go or die holding on. (The full story will come at a later time)

I will choose truth over ignorance every time. Ignorance is not bliss. It's dangerous.

The rain stopped, and still the man and I stared at the ocean. After a while, he looked at me and smiled. His face speckled with raindrops.

“Evidently you and I are supposed to meet,” he said.

“I suppose so,” I said smiling.

“Let me guess, you are sitting here pondering the meaning of life,”

“Something like that,” I said.

And so he told me his story…at twenty-eight years old, he was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. He had just turned twenty-nine, but would not make it to thirty. The diagnosis came shortly after he got married, and on the day he found out that he would be a father.

“You are sitting here with a dying man,” he said. “Two months tops. I will be here no more,”

I stared at him not with pity. Why do we pity the dying? Is death not part of life? And not with fear, but a deep connection to another human being. We are all part of the great mystery. And it was all there in his eyes, the questions he no longer asked. Hope and prayers silenced first by helplessness and then acceptance. He has let go and given in. He's been forced to accept death, and so he understands life.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Jerry,”

“I'm Kitten,” I said. “It’s nice to meet you. Did you live a good life, Jerry?”

He chuckled. "I laughed a lot. I loved a woman I was meant to love, and gave life to a child that needed to be born. I did what I was put here to do. Do you believe in destiny, Kitten?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Don’t worry about things you cannot control. Take that from a dying a man,”

“What has been your greatest life’s lesson?” I asked.

“We are born alone and we die alone,” he said simply. “That is not a sad statement. It is a factual one. Do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about what others may think of you. Be who you are,”

His wife and child showed up few minutes later. He introduced me to them and joked about us sharing a rainstorm together while the sun was still shining. He picked up his son and they headed for the beach where the waves rolled in and crashed to shore.

"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die." --Eckhart Tolle wrote.

I watched them for a long time. The dying man living his last few weeks. The wife who must go on without the man she planned to grow old. The child who have yet to experience loss, and will be too young to remember the man who gave him life.

Perspective.

What comes next, no one knows. We may all be on a road to nowhere.

Comments

[TheRustGeek]

The realisation of mortality puts everything in the right perspective... Perhaps indeed this meeting was meant to be.. Loved this!

[Amanda]

Awww kitten, a beautiful, enlightening post as always.

We try not to think about death, but when it comes we realize how much we've taken life for granted.

Poor man, he is too young to die....then again, babies die everyday.

Perspective :)

[Sarah]

I Love this post. So sad about Jerry. Sigh. When our time is up, it's up.
And kitten that song made me cry.

[Caroline]

Not an Ozzy fan, but I love that song.
Great post. " The secret of life is to die before you die" that's deep. Read it a few times to understand the meaning. A very sad story. Poor man

[Dora]

We are born alone and we die alone.
We are alone ALL the time in eveything we do.
Really appreciate this post

[RT]

To Jerry...may his journey back home be a peaceful one. I was going to say that he is too young to die, but yeah babies die everyday. I don't know anything anymore.
Perspective:) I sat around thinking about this post for a while after reading it. You do this so well. I'm a long time reader. Keep on rockin Kit

[Geroge]

Hey Kitten. Love you. I am a fan and I have been around the blogville for many years. I can tell you this...your site is one of the best out there. Write a book if you are not doing that now. You have a lot to say that is profound and enlightening.

[Selina]

This post touched me in ways you can't imagine. Thank you.

[Samantha]

I have always thought of walking in the rain while the sun is shining but have done it. Next time I think I will:)

[Samantha]

I meant to say have NEVER done it.

[Monica]

Just came across your site, and will definitely be back.

[Nadia]

Nice write up, Kitten. Death puts everything into perspective. It's a tragedy that most of us don't realize this until it's too late or tragedy comes too close.

"The secret of life is to die before you die." I love that.

I come here often but never comment. This post leaves me pondering the meaning of life and playing that song over and over

Take care honey.

[Kiah]

"The secret of life is to die before you die."

Thank you for visiting my blog. I have been here before and your posts resonates with such power time and time again. I will be back more frequently for sure.

[kmplx]

wish i had sat under that rainstorm with y'all. hugs skit, you will overcome and we will celebrate. *chinks glasses*

[rethots]

"Don’t worry about things you cannot control." when we sub-consciously imbibe this, (i believe) we will live more fun and fulfilling lives.

[Taylor]

Kitten, I absolutely LOVE your site.

[Rebirth]

This brought tears to my eyes because your conversation with Jerry put everything in perspective.... "Don't worry about things you can not control..........Do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about what others may think of you. Be who you are"

I need to further live by this...
*hugs for you darling*