Identity

The name given to me at birth was based on a mistake that went back two generations.

My father was given for his last name my grandfather's middle name. And so it came to pass that my sisters and I would also inherit my grandfather’s middle name as our last name.

When I got married, I took my husband’s name...

By the time we divorced, there was very little that I liked or respected about him. Yet I was stuck with his name. For sixteen years, whenever I signed my name, or hear it out loud, I cringe. I was as disconnected from it as the shattered marriage by which it came.

I tried once to explain it to my friend Allie letting on that I was thinking of officially changing my name. She gave me a look with one eye brow lifts high and the
other drops so low she looks insane. I giggled as I almost always do when she does it.

“It’s a damn name,” she said. “What do you mean it doesn’t feel like it belongs to you?”

“It’s not mine,” I said. I doesn’t "fit" me,”

She stares at me, “Kit, it’s a name,”

I change the subject.

I’ve known Allie for more than twenty years, long enough to know that she would not understand. How could she when I could not quite put into words a knowing that a name is not just a name. It is identity. It is a connection to self that when taken away, is catastrophic. We are all born into a name, history and a legacy that is an integral part of who we are. I spent years saying I am to a name I didn't want, one with the essence of a failed and tragic marriage. There was no pride
in it.

Whose idea was it that a woman should give away her name in marriage? To give away her SELF? I will not be doing that again.

In one of the stories my father used to tell me, a woman says to a slave who was renamed by his master, “Slave, what name were you given at birth?” The slave thought long and hard...so long that the woman had to repeat the question. After a while, the slave looked at her with sadness, "I can’t remember,” he said. “I’ve been a slave since I was a boy,”

I have never forgotten the story of the slave who who could not remember his name.

Earlier this year, I changed my name to the one that is my birthright. It was not a simple task. I had to change my drivers license, passport, credit cards, contact social security... But it was worth it. Now when I hear my name, when I say it, when I sign it, there is pride and recognition. When I say “I am” it goes beyond personal, its ancestral.

Whatever the legacy, it is mine.

Comments

[JJ]

I really like this. When I got married, I refused to give up my name. Hubby didn't like it. But I like my name and feel like you that it is part of your IDENTITY.

[Susan]

I can so totally relate. I am going through a divorce and I cannot wait to get my own name back. I have never liked being Mrs. X, it's not my name and it never felt like me. I feel like when I took his name it was the beginning of stripping away my identity and bit by bit I am reclaiming myself.

[Rachael]

It would be interesting to spend some time poking around in your mind. I read this and smile. Been a long time fan and I have never come across anyone with such self awareness. It's beautiful.

[Charlie]

Never thought of it this way. I have never thought of it at all. Before reading this I would've agreed with Allie that it's just a name. But perhaps its waaaaay more than that.

[Jay]

You hit this one right on the head too.
My wife didn't want to take my name. Said she felt as if she was giving away part of herself that she loved. We've been happily married 15 years.

[La Reine]

I can fully relate to this.
I really have to share this post...

[Cathy]

I love being Mrs. X. But I have a great husband. I think that makes a difference.

I wouldn't want to be stuck with a name I didn't like or want. Happy Holidays

[Jerry]

You women are always complaining about something. Now you don't want to take our name because "we're stripping you of your identity???" WTH? Women are destroying the world. Ms. Kitten you need to stop stirring the pot. A woman's place is in the home, cooking and cleaning and taking care of children.

[Kiah]

yes yes yes...names are everything where i come from...they determine a person's destiny

[Susan]

Jerry, it has nothing to do with YOU taking away our identity. In my case my X was verbally and emotionally abusive along with uber controlling and he was extremely insistent that I take his name. I didn't want to but I went along to keep the peace. It was the first piece of myself that I lost in that hellish relationship. If I were to ever meet someone who was an actual nice person who gave a crap about me and wanted to get married I would strongly consider taking his name. It's going to take someone really special to make that happen.

BTW Jerry, STFU and go back to the 1900's where you belong.

[Maxx]

Jerry, shame on you. It is thinking like this why women would think twice about taking a man's name.
When we treat women right, they want all of us. They are proud to have our name. Man, you need to apologize.

[Jerry]

I'm not apologizing for nothin. I speak truth

[TheRustGeek]

The world seeks to pull disorient us so much, anything that helps us hold on to our identity and connects us to our inner 'us' musrt be pursued I reckon...

[Lisa]

Every woman wants a name that she is proud of. No woman wants to answer to the name of a man who use and abuse her. Kitten is right to say 'there is no pride in it'
Jerry, you have completely missed the point of this post.

[kmplx]

you know... the concept of a woman changing her name in marriage is strange. you were totally right to reclaim yourself. your name is your identity. proud of u, skit.

[Kelvin Dalrymple]

So you changed your name to the name of the man who married your mother? And your mother changed her name to the name of the man who married her mother? etc . etc . .