Lust

His lust hit me like spiked fever. Warmth rushes throughout my body leaving me momentarily without reason. I meet the stranger’s gaze from across the room and hold it. He’s been watching me for the past hour.

The attraction is mutual. My gaze keeps going back to him as if compel against my will. My heart beats a little faster and pressure grows strong and pulsate between my legs…it’s been a while since I drank desire from a lovers kiss or lay naked and breathless in the crook of a man’s arms.

I am not without suitors. I am confident in my sexuality. But even though the moment holds the promise of an intoxicating love affair, it will not come to fruition. There will not be a first kiss. If good, one is never enough. Nor will there be a first touch; some touches ignite flames that spreads like cancer and cannot be put out.

We are often told to follow our hearts and take a chance on love whenever, wherever or however it presents itself. True. But one must also be aware that oftentimes, it is not love that comes knocking, but lust.

He wants my body. He knows nothing of my mind and character nor I him. He makes me wet and throb that’s all I know. Lust is like a blindfold that when taken off you may not like where you find yourself or who you have become.

Lust can and does grow into love. It happens when you can see someone from the inside out and still desire them despite all that you've come to know.

I have loved recklessly not realizing that in matters of the heart, there are times when the potential for damage is too great to risk. And one should not act outside the lines of reason. My pulse will slow. The throbbing will stop.
But some scars last a lifetime.

Beyond the thrill of a kiss and touch, the emptiness inside me runs deep. Trust takes time. And what may seem like blissful surrender may be the gift of a seductress. It is not my heart that I fear…mine is locked safely away behind a block of ice slowly thawing. I am still healing from my losses. I am flying on one wing, the other is broken and flapping at my side. Growing in strength, but flapping nonetheless.

How can I give the best of me when I am not at my best? There exist emotional pain that will cause more harm than good if not healed. No one can heal me. I must heal myself. When all the loss and pain is absorbed into the making of me with love, acceptance and understanding, I will be ready again.

Giving in to lust would be a mistake for HIS sake. My kisses will intoxicate. My smile will melt his heart. My body will make him an addict. I can stop his heartbeats with my fingertips. But the moments of pleasure will be forgotten, replace with pain when his heart lie in pieces at my feet.

"When a man or woman leaves you, they are doing you a favor whether they mean to or not," my mother used to say. I believe it.

I feel him behind me, and turns with a smile…

All lovers were once strangers. All love stories begins with physical attraction. The ones I will always love. The ones I never loved. The ones I may have loved but now wish I'd never met, all started with a smile, introduction, exchange of numbers and the first step toward an unknown future.

We are presented with choices all the time…the outcome of those choices may depend on where we are in life when we make them. Are they made with conscious awareness? Openness? Are we free and willing to go wherever they take us?
If not, the risk may be too great.

I stare at him thinking…

Will you understand come morning while your body still hungers for me, to find me gone?
Will you understand when you want to hear the words “I love you” and I am silent?
Will you understand when you ask for forever and I tell you that there is no such thing?
Will you understand that I am as elusive as time?

I am not afraid of love. I welcome it. I don’t fear pain. Love will hurt me. But for now, I leave out there, what might have been. Good or bad, I am not ready for this lustful land.

I thank him for compliment that he bestows upon me and reject him with an apologetic smile.

I have grown tender of a man's heart.

Comments

[Lila]

Hey Kitten. I used to read you years ago. I'm glad that you are still writing.

*We never stop to think past our lust. But my god, we need to. Some of us get into relationship when we are broken because we need someone to fix us. It is a rare individual who recognizes that I am not good for you right now*

[Rosa]

I agree with Lila...
Wow. This hits home. As women we reject the advances of men all the time. But it is seldom when there is mutual attraction (if we are not involve) that we say no because we are not right with ourselves.

I can trace most of my mistakes with men back getting into relationships when I was emotionally unavailable and needed to take time for me.

Love, love your blog.

[Monica]

Kitten, you weave words like magic.
Most of us, women and men but moreso women don't like to be alone and we don't take the time to heal from past hurts. Myself included.

[Kiah]

i read this and there were tears in my eyes...you capture every emotion perfectly with your words...thank you for this one-it made my day :))

[Pamella]

You are such a Prolific writer.
The best we can do for ourselves and others is to take time to heal.

[Rebirth]

Loved this post....it is a very good and selfless action when we recognize our own emotional unavailability that may cause another person pain, and decide to step away from it all..... I have learned the hard way....

[TheRustGeek]

Here is the higher ground - seeing the bigger picture and choosing to exercise self control. That takes courage, I reckon.

[Caroline]

Another great post...
It takes time for lust to reveal itself

[kmplx]

ah, skitalicious!! keep flapping, i can feel it healing... love and hugs.

[Reggie]

Excellent post!!!

[Lauren]

Thing is...a lot of times we enter into relationships thinking that our issues will melt away if we fall in love. WRONG. I ruined one of the best relationship I've ever had because I wasn't right with myself and therefore could not be right for him. I ended up hurting him badly.

I love your blog. Happy holidays to you.

[Stacey]

I echo the comments here. Great post.
Happy holidays to you and your family

[N]

1st time reader, but will definitely be back. You're a true talent.
Keep writing.

[Charlie]

Most of us have no idea what's going on. We don't think about these things. We should.
Great one, Kitten

[Jay]

Man in the house...
I'm glad your tender with our hearts. Bravo to you. There are not a lot of men or women who would even understand what you said here.

[Bogart]

Kitten...I spent the last few hours reading through your blog and I am hooked. Just want you to know that you have a new fan. Can you send me a pic?

[Love-Joe]

I would very much like to meet you, Kitten:)