Just imagine

I am the best mother to my boys, not when I am unhappy and falling apart, but when I can stand firm and capable of making sensible, rational, and well thought-out decisions for us. That is when I am the best sister, daughter, friend and lover.

The greatest and most valuable gift that we can give to the people in our lives is the best of who we are. That’s why I am an advocate of self-love, self-fulfilling and self-reliance.

I’ve been accused of being self-fish and cold-hearted for having the audacity to think and say that I am important. Well, I am.

I know what it’s like to be on my knees in the dark. I have cried myself to sleep, and awakened to a new day smiling. I survived CX putting a knife to my throat and threatening to kill me. And nine years of his threats, violence and psychological imprisonment. Still, I get up every day and walk out into the world. It is self-love that heals me. I am important.

I received several emails recommending that I present more a more unified message when discussing relationship issues. It was insinuated that I put little to no emphasis on parnership and seem to place no value on men. My article on Identity was mentioned several times in relation to this perceived idea.

I love and admire and find men beautiful beyond description. As a mother of two boys, I feel that I have a duty to raise men with whom women can be proud to call husband, father and brother.

I have dated some of the most amazing men. The relationships did not work, that does not mean that they were bad. In some of them, I was the problem. But let us not pretend that bad things doesn't happen and learn from our experiences. It is madness not to.

I wasn’t always a poster child for women’s power…I used to believe that my role as a woman was to support my husband in all that he aspires to be even at the expense of myself. I may make suggestions, and offer input, but the big and important decisions were made by him. I would want what he wants. Go where he said we would go, and live the life that he said we would live. I would learn to cook and he would get the biggest and best piece of the chicken.

Growing up, it was the role every woman I knew played. Why would my life be different? But it is different. We live in progressive times and I am a progressive woman. I will love support and encourage yes, but I am not irrelevant. I am important.

What happens if you place your life into the hands of someone who places little to no value on it? Women are abused, raped, killed and abandoned my men to raise children on their own every day.

At the end of my journey all I had was me and a little boy who needed me.
If I didn’t leave, what would’ve become of us?

I learned that not everyone can or should be trusted with my life.
My needs are not secondary. There is no reason why I cannot be the captain of the ship.
I have my own path in life and will be happy to share it with you should our courses align.
Sometimes I should keep the biggest and best part of the chicken for myself.

It is awfully romantic to declare ourselves ONE with a man, but that is an illusion no different than the idea of the tooth fairy. We are, and will always be individuals with separate thoughts and needs and aspirations and sometimes life takes us in different direction. What happens then?

Does a girlfriend give up her dreams to follow a man who is chasing his? I don't know. I would, if it is a decision with which I can live without regret no matter what happens. But am I selfish if I choose to not to follow? No.

Living a self-fulfilling life means a happier you to share with your partner. Imagine two self-fulfilling people working on the same team. Just imagine...

We should take care not to compromise so much of who we are that we become a shell existing only in someone else’s shadow. We should not allow ourselves to be used, misused and reduced to make a relationship work. It can't. It is already broken. In situations such as these, it is guaranteed that the self you’ve abandoned will be needed for your rescue.

I think of D sometimes. He is married now and blissfully happy. I know that if he had stayed for me, he would have lived to regret it. I did not ask him to stay. I couldn't. I had no right. The odds of making it was not in our favor.

And so I wonder… in situations like these, is the question also the answer?

Comments

[CZ]

Men/women who smother a partners growth doesn't really care about them. I was critized and ridiculed for wanting to work outside of the home by my husband even though I was a professional when we met. It led to my divorce. I agree with you 100%.

[TheRustGeek]

Loved this line: Living a self-fulfilling life means a happier you to share with your partner. Imagine two self-fulfilling people working on the same team. Just imagine... So true... Self discovery and acceptance are a big big part of being able to do life with someone else..

[Adura Ojo]

This is one powerful write, SK. So full of wisdom if only women would read and learn.

"It is awfully romantic to declare ourselves ONE with a man, but that is an illusion no different than the idea of the tooth fairy. We are, and will always be individuals with separate thoughts and needs and aspirations and sometimes life takes us in different direction. What happens then?

Does a girlfriend give up her dreams to follow a man who is chasing his? I don't know. I would, if it is a decision with which I can live without regret no matter what happens."

...

"We should take care not to compromise so much of who we are that we become a shell existing only in someone else’s shadow. We should not allow ourselves to be used, misused and reduced to make a relationship work. It can't. It is already broken. In situations such as these, it is guaranteed that the self you’ve abandoned will be needed for your rescue."

I applaud you for putting up this post. I really hope it speaks to those who need it.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[Emily]

There are so many great lines in this post, I don't know where to begin. More importantly, there is truth.
Thank you for this.

[kbare]

for me...the first two sentences say it all.

=]

[Victoria]

You made my day. I'm going to direct all of my friends here. This is a powerful post. I've been reading you for a long time and never read anything about you not liking men.

[Johnny]

To CZ...I'm sorry that your marriage ended over this issue. I amphasize. My wife and I had similar problems. I wanted a stay- at-home wife. She is a great mother and wife but wanted more. She wasn't happy and resented me. I didn't understand why she wanted to work when she didn't have to. She said that she has a 'purpose' in life outside of being a wife and mother. She now works part-time as a drug addiction counselor. And now everyone is happy.

Great article, Kitten. My wife loves your blog.

[Sarah]

I come here often but never comment...
Is the question also the answer? I'm leaning towards yes, even though I'm sure there are exceptions.
I quit my dream job, and dropped out of college to follow my boyfriend half way across the world so that he could take his dream job. This fool ended cheating on me and when I found out, he dumped me even though I was three months pregnant. I love our son, but I'm a struggling single mother. I came back home and had to move in with my mother.

Anyway, I know what you're saying and I agree with you. You're not saying don't value men, you're saying value yourself too.

[Niki]

Kitten, just wan to let you that I love your site.
You're an excellent writer.

[Gary]

Imagine two self-fulfilling people working on the same team...just imagine. Kitten that is a fantastic way of seeing things. That maybe the formula of a happy, lasting relationship.

[Rose]

I don't mean to sound bitter, though I am. The vast amount of women are still waiting for a man to rescue them...time have changed. I was doing far better alone than when I got married. Now I'm left with the children, bad credit, heavily in debt, was homeless for a while, and now I'm divorced. Im trying to rebuild my life. I hear you, Kitten.

[Erika]

I look at relationships like gambling...we should not gamble more than we can afford to lose.

[kmplx]

beautiful, skit... I'm ok with giving him the bigger piece of chicken, only if I know when he cooks, he will also give me the bigger piece of chicken. :-)

[Eli]

I want a woman who is at her best. Men who don't is after control.

[Regina]

Lol @ 'learning to cook and giving him the biggest and best piece of the chicken'. My mother used to do that. I think it was a rule because my father was the bread-winner.

[Sissy]

We only have one life, we should not spend it living someone else's dreams.

[Adura Ojo]

Hi Kitten,

I would like to share the two quotes I referred to in my earlier comment, with my readers on my other blog. (naijalines.blogspot.com). A few young women read my blog - I'm hoping it would speak to someone who perhaps needs that insight at this time in their lives. I hope this is ok with you.

Have a lovely week.

[Ingrid]

I hear ya, sister. I don't understand why we are ridiculed and labeled man-hater when we declare ourselves strong and capable and won't accept bull-shit. I'm a long time fan, but have never commented. There is nothing in your writing to suggest that you de-value men. Just because you write that you are important doesn't mean that you dislike men...
We ARE important. There is nothing wrong with living a self- fulfilling life. You ROCK!