Women know how to fake orgasm...

Jennifer and I collapse in the steam room after our workout. She called as I was heading out the door, her voice strain with the effort not to lose herself. I know what is coming. We’ve been here many times before. I ask her to meet me at the gym and she did.

I’ve written several posts about Jennifer in the past. She is an extremely intelligent woman, who in most areas of her life is capable of making sensible, rational, common sense decisions. Yet for many years now she’s been involve with a married man who gave her an engagement ring promising marriage as soon as he divorces his wife.

Jen is still wearing the ring, and he’s still married… three years later.

I have long stopped asking questions and giving advice. She stops by to talk, and I listen. She cries and I hand her napkins to blow her nose and wipe her tears. I don’t understand and I no longer try to. She fascinates me; this ability to stay and believe and fight for someone else’s husband. I once ask her, “Jen what is it that is broken in you that you choose this life?”

“What is broken in you that you would never think of staying, not for a single moment and fight for a man you love, even if he is married?” she asked.

We stared at each other, me thinking about her twisted logic. “Self-love,” I said. “Reason and logic, pride and compassion for his wife and children who may love him too,”

“He doesn’t love her,”

“So he says,”

“I want him,” She said stomping as if wanting to plant herself into the ground to solidify her position.

“Then one day you shall find yourself beaten bloody and washed up on shore, with the realization that you have given your life to a man who places no value on it,” I said.

“And you will always stand alone, holding firm your standards that no man can live up to,” she said.

She intrigue and scares me for all that she is and that I am not. Family and friends have distanced from her. I won't. I don't agree with what she's doing. I don't condone it in anyway, but does that mean we cannot be friends?

The calming effect of the steam-room was immediate. I realized a long time ago, that the steam-room is a place where women come to cry. There is something about the white fog that makes one feel safely lost, and where if only for a moment, we let go. I have shed a few tears in this unlikely haven.

The sound of her sniffling did not come with surprise. We had not yet discussed why she called but it was coming. We all have our way of exorcising our demons. Some people use drugs, alcohol, sex, work, food, pills…; I write my life story on a world-wide forum, yet safely hidden behind a computer screen. She talks to a woman who has learned to just listen without judgment.

Part of Jen’s problem in staying I believe, is that she is making an emotional decision to a problem that requires logic and common sense. Emotions, especially those of the heart can blind and imprison us. Stand too close to a mirror and we cannot see clearly what is in front of us. Now that I am aware of this, my first instinct is to recognize and distinguish between the two and act accordingly. It is hard to act against once heart, but there are times when it is necessary.

We are our problem. We are also our solution.

“She stopped by last night,” Jen said after a while.

“Who stopped by last night?” I asked.

“His wife,” she said with a touch of irritation. “She found the text messages that I’ve been sending John. She tracked me down. She’s really nice,” She paused as if the idea of her lover’s wife being nice is a difficult concept to grasp. “John told her that I am a desperate, crazy woman who have a crush on him and won’t stop harassing him,”

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.” Sharon stone once said in an interview.

I wish that this love she wanted so badly could’ve worked out, that the man she chose to give her heart deserved it. “How can a married man ask for your life when his is promise to someone else?” I once ask her.

“Just because he's married doesn't mean that he's with the right woman. Do you think I'd be wasting my time if I didn't believe in our love and he in us? Why would he give me a ring if he’s not going to leave her?” Jen responded.

I didn't answer. If she didn't know the answer, it's because she did not want to know.

I close my eyes and escapes into the fog, and left her in hers. I open the secret door to my memories where I visit Kenny. He holds me to him and I am lost again in the love that once healed and protected me. I remain there as long as I could before the heat jolts me back to the present and forces me to close the door.

Once outside, I touch Jen’s hand and squeeze hoping that at least she’s feeling a little better. She will get off the crazy train at some point. We all do. But how much of her life will have been wasted? Who will she have become? What will she have learned about herself at the end of this journey?

Sometimes it's not easy to get back from the places we've been. Jennifer is not good at forgiving herself.

Comments

[Cindy]

Ahhh, I've seen it too often smart people making bad decision. The heart is powerful and more often than not will over power logic.

[KT]

I feel for Jen. I was in a similar situation. I didnt get an engagement ring, but I stayed for many, many years believing that he would leave his wife and we would get married. I DID get off the crazy train. I am still working on forgiving myself.

I'm glad that she has a friend in you who listens. I come from a Christian family and they wouldn't talk to me until I left him.

[Mona]

I dated a man who I didn't know was married. When I found out I left him but felt guilty for and bad for his poor wife. I can't imagine knowingly sleeping with a married man and waiting for him to leave his wife. That is just WRONG.

[Tila]

She deserves whatever is coming. I hope it hurts. Maybe she will understand how it feels on the wife's side.

[rel]

"how much of her life will have been wasted?"
Only she will determine that. Is any part of a life lived wasted?
Experience tells us that in these 3 sums all end up feeling some loss. Expeience is a harsh teacher, to be cliche, but restating the truth of it.

What brought you to the microscope?

[Pat Hatt]

Both sides just suck, the guy should be shot in the foot at the very least.

[Rick]

Nasty situation no doubt...No one knows what goes on in a marriage. But Seems like this guy is playing games.

[Ruth]

What I don't understand is why people are still getting married. The institution of marriage is a joke.

[Lisa]

@ Ruth. I agree 100%. Married and divorce twice. Both as a result of infidelity. I will never go back down that road again.

[Tom]

Here's some truth for ya: men will never stop cheating as long as there are women to cheat with. Having sex with just one woman is unnatural. The problem is that society have imposed upon us standards that we cannot live up to and then call us bad when we fail.

[Niki]

@Tom...and women will not stop sleeping with married men as long as there are married men who cheat on their wives.

[miss.fab]

How are men even capable of faking entire relationships??? Ridiculous.

[Sharon]

I have no compassion for this woman at all...
I hope the wife leaves him. And I hope he marries his mistress...
What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

The grass is seldom greener on the other side...it's only a different shade of green. I learned that the hard way. Cost me my family.

[Adura Ojo]

“Women know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship.”

Ha-ha, so true. You've done it again, Kitten. I'm not exactly a young one (being middle aged) - but every time I'm here, I gain a new perspective on an age old problem.

Permission to lift that quote too:)

Jennifer will learn but it might be too late by then. I don't know why so many women place such a low value on themselves and their lives. Might be partly to do with low self esteem, immaturity and just not being pragmatic enough to realize it's a road block. The older and more experienced I get in this game called life, the more I realize that as a woman, pragmatism goes a long way towards reaching many of one's goals. As women, 'life' is never handed to us on a plate. It is a hard one to negotiate irrespective of culture. The less dreamy and more practical/sensible one is, the more one gets ahead and is less likely to be set up for a fall.

[Adura Ojo (Naijalines)]

Congrats, Kitten - Your blog is my blog of the week.

[Gigi]

I feel for Jennifer. I understand the sentiments that are expressed here. I cry reading this story because it could've been written about me. I stayed for 13 years. He never left. I'm glad now that he didn't. The day I woke up was the best and worst day of my life. I have no excuse. Something was wrong with me...I'm working on it.

[Victoria]

@ Tom...that is your truth. Not all men cheat on thieir wives/girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Married for 22 years and I've never cheated. That's not to say that I have'nt been tempted, I have, many times. I love my wife, but I would still like to have sex with other women. Is having sex with one woman unnatural? I don't know...why do I want more of what I already have from other women? *scratch my head*

[Anonymous]

FYI: I'm not saying that it's ok to cheat. Women, plz keep that in mind before you pounce.