The Hopeful Romantic

Kenny once said to me, “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you when on the worst day of my life, you showed up. I can't rememember a time when you weren't there to help me though the tough times. That’s when I knew you loved me too,”

“You needed me,” I said.

“A lot of people avoid you when you need them. That's how you know that they were never there in the first place,"

We were in bed. His taste and smell clings intimately to my skin. He traces tiny kisses down my back, linger in places he finds particularly sensitive, and I hold my breath in ecstasy.

Have you ever sat in the rain with someone when there’s shelter?
Have you ever spent a night at the hospital,in a chair, afraid to go to sleep because you want to be there when he opens his eyes?
Have you ever shown up to share in the worst moment of a man's life, to carry some of his pain, because even in his darkest moment, being by his side is still the most beautiful place in the world?
Have you ever loved a dying man until his last moment?

I am a hopeful romantic. I’ve always been. I don’t believe in the fairy-tale kind of love or the Knights in shining armor, and riding off into the sunset to live happily-ever-after kind of love. Life is not a fairytale and there will come trials that will take every relationship to the edge. Do we stand together or crumble beneath the strain of adversity?

I believe in the kind that when the chips are down and I reach for a lifeline, he takes my hand.
He forgive my mistakes because he knows my heart.
He accepts my imperfections, not from disillusion, but from knowing my value.
He chooses me knowing that I’m sick, and may have a tough and treacherous road ahead, but he wants to take care of me.
He will take me penniless because he knows my ambition and believe in my promise.

I was not the only one who showed up for Kenny’s dark moments. He carried me through mine. He wiped my tears and followed me into my nightmares. He peeled away the layers I wear for protection and left me trembling, vulnerable and innocent. "You're safe," he said. I believed him.

Over lunch with Leah, and a conversation about marriage, I realized how deeply ingrained societal expectations can be, and how thoroughly those expectations can distort who we are. I think that I’ve been able to hold on to the person who I was born to be, unmarred by all the things that I am told I am supposed to do and be. That is why I am still standing outside the fence. I like it here.

I can't remember the last time I sat down with a girlfriend when marriage did not become a major topic of discussion. It seems more pressing now that I am getting older. I'm still in my thirties, yet I'm being told that the train is going to get away if I don't get on it right now. Let me say this...I will stand calmly by and watch the train leave the station and not make a move to get on it.

“You’re not getting younger..." she was saying, "And as you move forward, you will have to learn to settle for things you do not want. You will have to look the other way, you will have to bite your tongue, and…”

I touched her hand. “No,” I said softly. A smile tugs the left corner of my lips where all my smiles begin. “I will do none of those things,"

“But Kit, you’ll never get married,”

“Marriage is of no importance to me,” I said.

“You keep saying that, but every woman wants to get married,”

“Who told you that?” I asked.

She pauses as if she finds the question ridiculous. “That’s the role you’re born into. That's what we’re supposed to do,”

“I'm not supposed to do any such thing," I said.

She stares at me and sighs as if I'm a stubborn child who just won't listen.

"Why would I settle for someone who is not worthy of me just to say I'm married? Does getting older make me less valuable?"

"No, but we all know that it's harder to get a man the older we get,"

"So be it," I said. "I am more valuable right now than I have ever been. I’ll be more valuable five, ten-years from now because I will have an even better understanding and appreciation of myself and others. No. There will be no settling. I demand a love that is worthy of me and nothing else will do," I said, thinking that it was when I hit thirty that I began to grow into myself. That’s when my decisions became more sound and I could begin to articluate in an intelligent manner what I want and didn't want from a relationship, and why. I did my settling and lowering of my standards in my twenties when I didn't know better. And now in my thirties, I'm being told that I'm getting too old to have standards. Huh?

Could it be that the solution to the high divorce rate is for us to stop getting married for the wrong reasons?

"Kit, no one wants to die alone,"

“I would rather die alone than be in a marriage where I have to look the other way and bite my tongue. And as for dying alone, we all die alone,” I said.

“I thought you said that you would’ve marry Kenny,”

“Because he wanted to make me his wife and I loved him,”

“Don’t you want someone to grow old with?”

“He died,” I said. I could see the jarring impact of my words and for a moment we fall silent.

We can plan all we want, but how do we know that we'll get to grow old with the man/woman we love?

“I don’t want you to be alone,” she said.

“What's wrong with being alone? And why would I be alone? Do you not see the way some of these men are watching me?” I flashed a lopsided smile.

I have been loved, and one does not forget the taste.

Comments

[Carmen]

I'm in mid 40's and just got divorced. I am having the best time of my life.

[Kiah]

i read ur stuff and i cant get the silly grin off my face...you write how i should write, you live how i want to live-free of people's opinions!

[Emily]

I smile reading this. You are so refreshing.

[rel]

Kit,
one never forgets the taste!

UTM

[Pat Hatt]

A fresh take indeed, like how you're not afraid to speak your mind and yeah also agree, screw settling, take being alone anyday. If one doesn't one to be alone get a dog or cat..haha

[brian]

you know...mixed in here there are a lot of great truths about love and commitment...there is def something to be said of commitment, esp when the times het hard....

[kmplx]

It is in those lowest moments that we need love the most. I miss Kenny too. Real love for my skit.

[Cheryl]

Love your blog, have for years, so authentic. I feel the same way about marriage and I am in my 40's.

[Regina]

I'm fabulous at 52 and I'm in no rush to get hitched. Been there and done it.

[LohiO]

I love it! I want to be loved..sigh!

[Sara]

I read this post and smile. My husband of 23 years left me for a 27 year old bimbo. Needless to say, my pride suffered. I've had my moments when I question my value and worry about growing old and dying alone. This post reminds me that I an valuable. Thank you.

[Nina]

Great post, kitten. I was told that the reason I'm not married @ 41 is because I have standards. You mean having standards is a bad thing??

[Miranda]

Amen. Married and divorced. I'm not against marriage. My first marriage was for convenience. If I ever do it again, it will be for love

[Caroline]

This obsession with marriage needs to end. Marriage and settling should not be in the same sentence.

[miss.fab]

Great post! Living free of societal precepts - funny that that's the only precept we should live for. I would rather die single than settle for second best. It amazes me how many women would do the latter.

[Sharson]

Settling is why there are so many unhappy married people. Too many of us are getting married for the wrong reasons. I got married in my early twenties. I was told that i needed to have children young. And I needed a husband for that. It's been a loooong miserable journey. Great post, Kitten.