The trial is over. Now the healing begins. I knew what the outcome was going to be a long time ago. I knew that I had no chance not when the 'facts' of the GAL's report was based on Cx's lies. Four different lawyers told me that the judge's decision would be whatever she recommended unless a psychological evaluation contradicted the report. I consistently asked for a psychological evaluation on both CX and myself. The judge did not order it. And so, CX got custody despite the mountain of documented evidence against him of almost nine years of false allegations and harassment, lies, contradictions and manipulations that ended up in their hands.
The judge said that I did not provide any evidence that he is crazy even though he ruled that the evidence that I have would not be admitted. And there are serious allegations made against CX that the GAL did not investigate. And he didn't believe me when I told of the horror that I have suffered for the last eight plus years. He said that I was emotional and stopped short of calling me crazy and making up things about CX. He said it was clear that I hated CX which makes me not credible. He said that he does not think that I would foster a relationship with CX and Caesar. He said that my claims of being harassed and abused by CX for the last 8 plus years are in my head.
Did I imagine all the false allegations that have been filed against me?
Did I imagine being accused of having a criminal record?
Did I imagine being accused of chasing children with knives?
Have I imagined the countless documented times that I appeared in court to defend myself against one false allegation after another? One emergency order after another?
Did I imagine the false police reports?
Did I imagine being accused of breaking into his apartment?
Did I imagine the false orders of protections he filed then claims that I violated?
Did I imagine him trying to get me arrested for things that I didn't do?
Did I imagine getting evicted because of lies that he told to the apartment management about Thorr. And left me out on the street and then tried to come to my rescue?
Did I imagine the knife he put to my throat?
Did I imagine the lies that he was telling to school personnel at Caesar's school, daycare workers, doctors, his friends, ex-girlfriends, DCFS about me?
Have I imagined that he had my own son, Caesar telling lies about me?
Did my friends imagine being targeted by him too? Did my ex's imagine being accused of being 'a danger to Caesar'?
Did one of my former attorney imagine being accused of having an affair with me and having to answer to the bar association?
Did my friend, the police officer imagine being investigated by internal affairs because of false allegations that CX filed against him?
I don't attend all of Caesar's activities - not because I don't want to, but to avoid putting myself in dangerous, toxic situations, to be further lied about, have false allegations filed about me, risk being arrested for things I didn't do. For this, I am accused of being an un-involved parent. CX is applauded for being an upstanding citizen citing his credentials as a PhD, a criminal and civil lawyer. A Marine and a former police offer, listed as proof of his standing in society - Credentials that he hides behind while he continues his abuse.
I refused to support CX's bizarre views where he raises Caesar to associate manhood with violence. For this, I was accused of not supporting Caesar's activities that would aide him in being a man.
After nine years of trying to accommodate and negotiate with a madman only to have him use my ache for peace to terrorize me, I have learned not to make deals with demons. For this, I was accused of being uncompromising.
For having the audacity to speak up and against being abused, for defending myself, I was labeled difficult to deal with. Stubborn. Crazy. The harder I fought for freedom and peace, the more I was viewed as angry and hostile.
I dared to be crazy enough to want to change the world. I dared to stand for something - to tell the truth even though I knew the truth would be used to prosecute me. I dared not to be a willing victim.
"How do you feel?" a friend ask me when I got back from court.
I feel as if I've been run over by a truck and survive. But if I had to do it over again, I would do it all over again,"
I would never forgive myself if something bad happens to Caesar in CX's care which is a real possibility and I didn't fight for him. One day he will know that I fought with my last breath. That I showed up to fight knowing that I would be beaten time and again. That I stood my ground against two lawyers and a judge with only truth as my defense. Are you crazy enough to want to change the world?
One day the truth will be known, not because of anything that I have done or will do, but because the monster will come out to feed. He already has his next 'Target' in sight. People like him always do. Crazy is crazy.
To all the Targets who know the truth and fight for your children...I know how alone and terrified you are. I know how angry injustice has made you. Don't lose yourself to hate. Don't become like them. It is not personal. Even as I sat there listening to the judge repeat the lies that CX told about me and which are adapted as truth and labeled 'evidence' I knew that it was not personal. Our stories ARE bizarre. Just as we did not understand how bizzare our world had become when a psychopath entered it, neither does the system that prosecutes us for telling the truth about them. How many times have we thought twice about telling people what was happening to us for fear that they would not believe us?
The below excerpt is from Child Custody Justice I came across the site recently.
"...Many mothers who take entirely appropriate steps to protect their children from exposure to abuse are being insulted by court personnel, harshly and unethically criticized and ridiculed in custody evaluations and psychological assessments, and required to send their children into unsupervised contact or even custody with their abusive fathers. And sometimes these rulings are coming in the face of overwhelming evidence that the children have both witnessed abuse and suffered it directly, evidence that would convince any reasonable and unbiased person that the children were in urgent need of protection. Family courts across the US and Canada appear to be guilty day in and day out of reckless endangerment of children,"
There are others out there who understand. They have seen and dealt with people like CX.
After I finished reading the article, I felt as if a friend had taken my hand. Never stop telling your truth. I know that it's hard. Weep yes. Weep your tears of heartbreak and sorrow. Weep for your child/children's lost innocence. Weep. But let there come a day that you dry your tears woman, and know that when one door closes another opens.
Be prepared for choosing not to live a miserable, defeated life to be used against you.
If you laugh, you will be accused of not caring.
If you cry, you will be accused of being emotional.
If you laugh and cry, you will be accused of being out of control.
If you don't accept the lies that are being told against you, you will be accused of not wanting to take responsibility for your actions.
If you defend yourself you will be accused of being angry and hostile.
If you tell the truth about the abuser, you will be accused of making up stories to harass and ruin his reputation while he gets away with assassinating yours.
If you declare that your life is important, that YOU are important and deserves peace, you will be accused of being self-fish.
All this and more the system will do to you in your fight to save your child/children. The system is broken. I went in looking for help, and believing that I would be helped. I came out further abused and Caesar placed in the hands of a dangerous, psychotic man with a pat on the back. I'm certain that CX believes that he will use Caesar to continue his manipulation of me. Wanna bet? Are you crazy enough to want to change the world?
Don't allow anyone to take your power. Don't allow them to tell you who you are and take your happiness. Laugh all the laughter that is within you. And never stop loving.
It is the love that you possess that they want. It is your will and spirit that they want.
Hold on to yourself. With all that you've lost, this is the one thing that you cannot afford to lose.