Woman, dry your tears

The trial is over. Now the healing begins. I know what the outcome was going to be a long time ago. I knew that I had no chance not when the 'facts' of the GAL's report was based on Cx's lies. Four different lawyers told me that the judge's decision would be whatever she recommended unless a psychological evaluation contradicted the report. I consistently asked for a psychological evaluation on both CX and myself. The judge did not order it. And so, CX got custody despite the mountain of documented evidence against him of almost nine years of false allegations and harassment, lies, contradictions and manipulations that ended up in their hands.

The judge said that I did not provide any evidence that he is crazy even though he ruled that the evidence that I have would not be admitted. And there are serious allegations made against CX that the GAL did not investigate. And he didn't believe me when I told of the horror that I have suffered for the last eight plus years. He said that I am emotional and stopped short of saying I'm crazy and making up things about CX. He says it's clear that I hate CX which makes me not credible. He said that he does not think that I would foster a relationship with CX and Caesar. He says that my claims of being harassed and abused by CX for the last 8 plus years are in my head.

Did I imagine all the false allegations that have been filed against me?

Did I imagine being accused of having a criminal record?

Did I imagine being accused of chasing children with knives?

Have I imagined the countless documented times that I have appeared in court to defend myself against one false allegation after another? One emergency order after another?

Did I imagine the false police reports?
Did I imagine being accused of breaking into his apartment?
Did I imagine the false orders of protections he filed then claims that I violated?
Did I imagine him trying to get me arrested for things that I didn't do?

Did I imagine getting evicted because of lies that he told to the apartment management about Thorr. And left me out on the street and then tried to come to my rescue?

Did I imagine the knife he put to my throat?

Did I imagine the lies that he was telling to school personnel at Caesar's school, daycare workers, doctors, his friends, ex-girlfriends, DCFS about me?

Have I imagined that he has my own son, Caesar telling lies about me?

Did my friends imagine being targeted by him too? Did my ex's imagine being accused of being 'a danger to Caesar'?

Did one of my former attorney imagine being accused of having an affair with me and having to answer to the bar association?

Did my friend, the police officer imagine being investigated by internal affairs because of false allegations that CX filed against him?

I don't attend all of Caesar's activities. Not because I don't want to, but to avoid putting myself in dangerous, toxic situations, to be further lied about, have false allegations filed about me, risk being arrested for things I didn't do. For this, I am accused of being an un-involved parent. CX is applauded for being an upstanding citizen citing his credentials as a PhD, a criminal and civil lawyer. A Marine and a former police offer, listed as proof of his standing in society. It is these credentials that he hides behind while he continues his abuse.

I don't support CX's bizarre views where he raises Caesar to associate manhood with violence. I'm accused of not supporting Caesar's activities that aide him in being a man.

After nine years of trying to accommodate and negotiate with a madman only to have him use my ache for peace to terrorize me, I have learned not to make deals with demons. For this, I am accused of being uncompromising.

For having the audacity to speak up and against being abused, for defending myself, I am labeled difficult to deal with. Stubborn. Crazy. The harder I fight for freedom and peace, the more I was viewed as angry and hostile.

Dare to be crazy enough to want to change the world. Dare to stand for something. Dare to tell the truth even if it will be used to prosecute you. Dare not to be a willing victim.

"How do you feel?" a friend ask me when I got back from court.

I feel as if I've been run over by a truck and survive. But if I had to do it over again, I would do it all over again,"

I would never forgive myself if something bad happens to Caesar in CX's care which is a real possibility and I didn't fight for him. One day he will know that I fought with my last breath. That I showed up to fight knowing that I would be beaten time and again. That I stood my ground against two lawyers and a judge with only truth as my defense. Are you crazy enough to want to change the world?

One day the truth will be known, not because of anything that I have done or will do, but because the monster will come out to feed. He already has his next 'Target' in sight. People like him always do. Crazy is crazy.

To all the Targets who know the truth and fight for your children...I know how alone and terrified you are. I know how angry injustice has made you. Don't lose yourself to hate. Don't become like them. It is not personal. Even as I sit there listening to the judge repeat the lies that CX told about me and which are adapted as truth and labeled 'evidence' I know that it is not personal. Our stories ARE bizarre. Just as we did not understand how bizzare our world had become when a psychopath enters it, neither does the system that prosecutes us for telling the truth about them. How many times have we thought twice about telling people what was happing to us for fear that they would not believe us?

The below excerpt is from Child Custody Justice I came across the site recently.

"...Many mothers who take entirely appropriate steps to protect their children from exposure to abuse are being insulted by court personnel, harshly and unethically criticized and ridiculed in custody evaluations and psychological assessments, and required to send their children into unsupervised contact or even custody with their abusive fathers. And sometimes these rulings are coming in the face of overwhelming evidence that the children have both witnessed abuse and suffered it directly, evidence that would convince any reasonable and unbiased person that the children were in urgent need of protection. Family courts across the US and Canada appear to be guilty day in and day out of reckless endangerment of children,"

There are others out there who understand. They have seen and dealt with people like CX.

After I finished reading the article, I felt as if a friend had taken my hand. Never stop telling your truth. I know that it's hard. Weep yes. Weep your tears of heartbreak and sorrow. Weep for your child/children's lost innocence. Weep. But let there come a day that you dry your tears woman, and know that when one door closes another opens.
Be prepared for choosing not to live a miserable, defeated life to be used against you.

If you laugh, you will be accused of not caring.

If you cry, you will be accused of being emotional.

If you laugh and cry, you will be accused of being out of control.

If you don't accept the lies that are being told against you, you will be accused of not wanting to take responsibility for your actions.

If you defend yourself you will be accused of being angry and hostile.

If you tell the truth about the abuser, you will be accused of making up stories to harass and ruin his reputation while he gets away with assasinating yours.

If you declare that your life is important, that YOU are important and deserves peace, you will be accused of being self-fish.

All this and more the system will do to you in your fight to save your child/children. The system is broken. I went in looking for help, and believing that I would be helped. I came out further abused and Caesar placed in the hands of a dangerous, psychotic man with a pat on the back. I'm certain that CX believes that he will use Caesar to continue his manipulation of me. Wanna bet? Are you crazy enough to want to change the world?

Don't allow anyone to take your power. Don't allow them to tell you who you are and take your happiness. Laugh all the laughter that is within you. And never stop loving.

It is the love that you possess that they want. It is your will and spirit that they want.

Hold on to yourself. With all that you've lost, this is the one thing that you cannot afford to lose.

Comments

[Girlfriend]

You make me laugh and cry and celebrate you. Here's a friend taking your hand.

[A]

I've known you half my life, and Kit I have never known a more remarkable woman. "Hold on to yourself"

[Tyson]

For as long as I've known you, you've been in constant battle with this man. I hope that this marks the beginning of healing and peace for you. I have seen you with your boys. I have met them and you are a wonderful devoted mother. You have fought valiantly for Caesar. I know how important it was for you to do that. I salute you for having the courage to stand your ground even knowing what you were up against. Kitten. Hold on to yourself. 'He did not take what makes you special'

[Jen]

'Hold on to yourself' Kitten. Love you girl. Let's toast to a new day. May god keep Caesar safe.

[Gigi]

He gave you a lot of lemons. Make a lot of lemonade:) I've been reading you for many years. You're like aged wine. You keep getting better.

[Kiah]

so inspired by you...Caesar will be fine and all that you have given him these years will not be erased. Happy Mother's day.

[Rebirth]

you are a courageous woman. No doubt about that. May God continue to strengthen you and be with Caesar. The truth will prevail someday, no matter what. Just keep holding on to the truth.

[Sharon]

dont give up hope you have the strength to move forward and Caesar will be fine the lord will see to that love u girl.

[kmplx]

even as tears fill my eyes, i know that you are not alone and in all that you do, you remain strong. you inspire me, skit. xxx

[Ben]

Kitten. This is your moment. I've been coming here for a long time...long enough to know that you will find your open doors.

[Charles]

A PhD, lawyer, former police officer, ex-marine...I see red-flag

[Mel]

Tragedies like this take place far more than we think. Hold on to yourself. Psy's will steal your money, your heart, mind, soul, LIFE, if you let them. Thanks for sharing your story. If you've helped one person, you've saved a life. Find your open doors Kitten

[J]

It may not seem like that right now, but there is an angel on your shoulders. Another friend taking your hand.

[Cyn]

:) I have always admired your spirit. Keep trucking, Kitten

[David]

I'm with Charles... I see red flags popping up like wild weeds in summer time.

[Pam]

so perfectly written! hang-on tight, life is going to get better... and Caesar will always be yours, regardless of whatever a piece of paper says. Cheers, darling

[Leah]

Let's get together Kit. Love you much. Another friend taking your hand.

[Carmen]

Hey Kit. Your strength and courage is an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Havela]

Some really thoughtful comments.

[Laura]

PhD? Criminal and civil lawyer? A Marine? Former police offer?
= RED FLAG!