Foot-prints in the Sand

My days are spent in quiet reflection. Like a custom designed life, the missing pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. I find that the questions and the answers of life live in the same house…the house of choices that we make on this our life journey.

I’m a skeptic now, but there was a time when I believed in marriage and happily ever after. My marriage was my first brush with dreams falling apart. And the beginning of an idea that ones belief, wants, needs and hopes may be lifetimes apart from reality. The outcome was me jumping off a sinking ship with Thorr glued to my chest wondering how the dream could turn out so wrong.

I learned that Life is not a fairytale.

But then came Rey with a love that is pure and unconditional and giving, giving, giving freely of himself that I could not help but be carried away in his current. He did what he said he would. He came home at the same time every day. He loved me beyond time, and Thorr as if he he’d given him life. He offered us what I thought was lost when my marriage fell apart.

I keep an album of us with Thorr. The pictures are a painful reminder of what was and might have been. I need the pain. I visit sometimes and linger in the home that is no longer mine. It is my betrayal of us that drives me out. My heart bleeds regret and forces me to my knees. There is a piece of my heart that still ache even after all these years.

I learned the value of loyalty.

Then came CX. My relationship with him was a whirl-wind affair that crashed landed in a fiery blaze. I wonder now why I ignored all the signs when they were so blatantly clear. Nothing added up or made sense about him. He was too many things at once living a life that contradicted it all.

The love and trust that I embraced again with Rey shattered. My life was consumed with violence, financial and emotional devastation, court battles, threats against my life, orders of protection, false police reports, attack on my friends….I lived in a war zone. It was a life I knew nothing of and was instantly made a warrior dodging bullets and having to fight everyday for survival.

I learned that relationships can be dangerous.

How does a woman forced to put iron bars around her heart falls in love?
How does one who lives in survival mode trust again?
I understand how one can grow hard with time. We get tired and weary.
None of us become the way we are overnight.
We are a tapestry stitched upon by life.

I didn’t know that my ex-husband was an addict when I met and marry him. He appeared in a shiny package complete with strength and character and ambition. I later found out that he was those things, but only when the addict was sleeping. The addict was awake and in control most of his life.

CX came charming and smiling and fun. One who understood my needs and perfectly complimented the vision I had of my future. He came perfectly suited - soul-mate-like. But he was a fictional character in a love story with a tragic end. A character who when stepped out of role, and take off the costume, is beyond dark and tortured. I’d been sleeping with the enemy.

I learned that people come into our lives wearing all kinds of disguises.
I learned that life has an agenda and would take me to places beyond my imagination.
I learned to trust my instinct.
I learned that some relationships can turn out to be a fatal mistake.

I also know that our experiences are valuable life lessons.

The skills that I learned from being a young run-a-way wife with a brand new baby prepared me for the battle that was to come with CX. It was then that I discovered my will and fighting spirit.

I don't know what is around the corner. I know that my experience with CX has sharpened, refined, and prepared me for the next challenge.

Life has taught me caution – and so with the men who came after, they were relationships that I participated in from a distance, until I felt safe enough to get close. I seldom did.

Trust is not free. It is earned. The lessons once learned, are lasting.

This blog has for the past eight plus years been the standing stones through which I step back in time and re-trace my footprints in the sand.

I came across the below poem one day, written in 2004, a time when I wanted nothing to do with love.

"What do you want with a broken-hearted woman like me?" I asked the guy I was seeing who wanted everything.

My Flames

Don't come too close
There are cobwebs around my heart
I've grown cold with time
Believe me. It's for your own good.

Leave, please...
Before it's too late.
I can taste your innocence.
You still believe in love

You do not yet know that love is like mist.
You may not be strong enough to endure

What do you want with a broken-hearted woman like me?
My flames will consume you

Leave now
Before I change my mind and take you to bed
You will never be innocent again

I have spent time re-tracing my footprints in the sand, and picking up the pieces of me left along the way. I stand more whole than I have ever been.

The man for whom the poem is written didn’t leave me. He did not see a broken-hearted woman. He saw my promise and for many years, stood guard protecting my heart.

Some love wound, and others heal.
Some stay and others leave.
Some give up on you and others fight for you.
Some will try to destroy you and some will come to your rescue.

With that knowledge, healing begins and the pieces of me, like the custom designed puzzle is falling into place.

*Thanks to all of you who have been checking in on me. I am fine. I am a crab. In trying times, I stay snug in my shell. Healing.*

Comments

[Carla]

Love this post. Life is going to happen...the good, bad and the ugly. We have to roll with the punches and not lose who we are. I love the way you put things into perspective.

[Em]

It's awesome being able to go back. You've grown and change in leap and bounds.

[Sharon]

I believe that everything we go through is for a reason.

[Messenger]

Repent and give your life to the lord.

[Victoria]

'Experience is the greatest lesson'. It's hard not to get beaten down but if we're able to put things into perspective the way you did here, life is bearable. Thanks for always sharing your insights.

[C]

All you have to do now is decide what flavor lemonade you want to make. I dealt with an almost identical situation. I'm sure you know that this is far from the end. People like this won't stop. He has Caesar, now what???? People like this don't take care of their children. That's the real tragedy here. For them it's a game.

Stay strong.

[kmplx]

from crab to crab, you will always heal and learn... it is our power, we take time to heal well so we can re-forge our shattered pieces and become stronger than before. xox

[Red]

Messenger...stop the nonsense. We all go through rainy days...it does not mean that we are sinners.

[Camille]

I was wondering lately how I got to be so bitter about men. I've been single now for almost two years. Yes. We get tired and weary. I LOVE your blog.

[Belle]

Great post. You touched on some key issues that I'm struggling with. Life can beat us down. And if we allow it, we can easily grow bitter. One if the main reasons some men give for not wanting to date older women is that we come with too much baggage from past relationships.

[TC]

Great post, Kitten. Just keep taking care of yourself. You will only get stronger

[Lisa]

What doesn't break us, makes us stronger. You are one of the strongest women I know.

[Nila]

Kitten...I was referred to your site by one of your readers. I love your blog! You have a new fan.

[Girlfriend]

This is a powerful post. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Love you, Kit.

[Anon]

'Trust is not free. It is earned.' As someone who understands what you write about in relation to psyc's that is one of our greatest lessons.

[Sarah]

I was raised by a psychotic father who fits the profile of a psy from age 7. My mother tried to save us but no one believed her. He was also a lawyer and military man. My father had her arrested on false charges. He told everyone that she was crazy. He terrorized her.I think she left because she was afraid for her life. I ran away when I was 12 in fear of my life. My mother was so beaten down by him she never fully recovered. I'm still in therapy. I will pray for Caesar's safety.

Your story hits home. Thanks for sharing. Take care of yourself.
That is the most important thing.