My days are spent in quiet reflection. Like a custom designed life, the missing pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. I find that the questions and the answers of life live in the same house…the house of choices that we make on this our life journey.
I’m a skeptic now, but there was a time when I believed in marriage and happily ever after. My marriage was my first brush with dreams falling apart. And the beginning of an idea that ones belief, wants, needs and hopes may be lifetimes apart from reality. The outcome was me jumping off a sinking ship with Thorr glued to my chest wondering how the dream could turn out so wrong.
I learned that Life is not a fairytale.
But then came Rey with a love that is pure and unconditional and giving, giving, giving freely of himself that I could not help but be carried away in his current. He did what he said he would. He came home at the same time every day. He loved me beyond time, and Thorr as if he he’d given him life. He offered us what I thought was lost when my marriage fell apart.
I keep an album of us with Thorr. The pictures are a painful reminder of what was and might have been. I need the pain. I visit sometimes and linger in the home that is no longer mine. It is my betrayal of us that drives me out. My heart bleeds regret and forces me to my knees. There is a piece of my heart that still ache even after all these years.
I learned the value of loyalty.
Then came CX. My relationship with him was a whirl-wind affair that crashed landed in a fiery blaze. I wonder now why I ignored all the signs when they were so blatantly clear. Nothing added up or made sense about him. He was too many things at once living a life that contradicted it all.
The love and trust that I embraced again with Rey shattered. My life was consumed with violence, financial and emotional devastation, court battles, threats against my life, orders of protection, false police reports, attack on my friends….I lived in a war zone. It was a life I knew nothing of and was instantly made a warrior dodging bullets and having to fight everyday for survival.
I learned that relationships can be dangerous.
How does a woman forced to put iron bars around her heart falls in love?
How does one who lives in survival mode trust again?
I understand how one can grow hard with time. We get tired and weary.
None of us become the way we are overnight.
We are a tapestry stitched upon by life.
I didn’t know that my ex-husband was an addict when I met and marry him. He appeared in a shiny package complete with strength and character and ambition. I later found out that he was those things, but only when the addict was sleeping. The addict was awake and in control most of his life.
CX came charming and smiling and fun. One who understood my needs and perfectly complimented the vision I had of my future. He came perfectly suited - soul-mate-like. But he was a fictional character in a love story with a tragic end. A character who when stepped out of role, and take off the costume, is beyond dark and tortured. I’d been sleeping with the enemy.
I learned that people come into our lives wearing all kinds of disguises.
I learned that life has an agenda and would take me to places beyond my imagination.
I learned to trust my instinct.
I learned that some relationships can turn out to be a fatal mistake.
I also know that our experiences are valuable life lessons.
The skills that I learned from being a young run-a-way wife with a brand new baby prepared me for the battle that was to come with CX. It was then that I discovered my will and fighting spirit.
I don't know what is around the corner. I know that my experience with CX has sharpened, refined, and prepared me for the next challenge.
Life has taught me caution – and so with the men who came after, they were relationships that I participated in from a distance, until I felt safe enough to get close. I seldom did.
Trust is not free. It is earned. The lessons once learned, are lasting.
This blog has for the past eight plus years been the standing stones through which I step back in time and re-trace my footprints in the sand.
I came across the below poem one day, written in 2004, a time when I wanted nothing to do with love.
"What do you want with a broken-hearted woman like me?" I asked the guy I was seeing who wanted everything.
Don't come too close
There are cobwebs around my heart
I've grown cold with time
Believe me. It's for your own good.
Before it's too late.
I can taste your innocence.
You still believe in love
You do not yet know that love is like mist.
You may not be strong enough to endure
What do you want with a broken-hearted woman like me?
My flames will consume you
Before I change my mind and take you to bed
You will never be innocent again
I have spent time re-tracing my footprints in the sand, and picking up the pieces of me left along the way. I stand more whole than I have ever been.
The man for whom the poem is written didn’t leave me. He did not see a broken-hearted woman. He saw my promise and for many years, stood guard protecting my heart.
Some love wound, and others heal.
Some stay and others leave.
Some give up on you and others fight for you.
Some will try to destroy you and some will come to your rescue.
With that knowledge, healing begins and the pieces of me, like the custom designed puzzle is falling into place.
*Thanks to all of you who have been checking in on me. I am fine. I am a crab. In trying times, I stay snug in my shell. Healing.*