“Get back to living your life,” Kitten,” Tyson tells me.
That’s what I am doing as I focus on rebuilding and taking back control. Happiness comes from inside. No one can take my happiness unless I give it away, and that I will not do.
Caesar is now 10 years old. CX and I still have eight years to go. Will the next eight years be spent in chaos or peace? That is up to me.
How do you change the world? Change yourself. That's when your world will begin to change.- Zig Zigler.
Even though the trial is over, this is not the end. The harassment will continue. I will be dragged back into court time and again. It will mostly be about money. The root of this problem besides CX's destructive, and evil nature, was him having to pay child support. Both 'custody wars' started as a result of me filing for child support.
He never wanted custody. And will not be raising Caesar—strangers will. He will embrace any and all opportunity to send Caesar away to camps and or organizations that offers extended over night programs. (Caesar has been sent away twice so far in one year) and he will try and get me to pay for at least half the cost. These decisions are his alone. I don't mind paying for things, but what he spends, and what I can afford to pay are two different things. I believe too that he will often times leave Caesar alone and or in the care of people that he should not.
So far, he has subpoenaed my financial records. He subpoenaed my ex-husband from whom I’ve been divorced for 15 years asking that he disclose knowledge of my financial information. He subpoenaed the financial records of another man with whom I’m connected.
We were in court last week with him asking for money from me beside the child support that I pay him. We were also there to discuss a proposed visitation that he and his lawyer refused to send me prior to court despite several attempts that I made via email. They wanted me to come up with a visitation proposal despite him having custody. My belief is that they did not want documentation of them offering me liberal visitation. After all, I’m supposed to be a dangerous, raving lunatic.
I refused to sign it, and asked numerous times to be allowed time to review his proposal with a lawyer. The judge ruled against me and with the exception of who gets holiday visits in which year, he went with CX's proposal.
I’m already labeled difficult. I kept showing up and I kept telling my story. I will say this again...silence in an abusive relationship is not your friend. Tell your truth. Despite the outcome, I stand by my decision to go down fighting. There are some things for which one must be willing to fight and die.
To avoid spending my life in another eight years of chaos and destruction, I have made some decisions as to how I will deal with CX moving forward. I will distance myself from him as much as possible. I will not be in the same room with him. I will not show up to Caesar’s activities if he is present (though this pains me,but staying alive right now is a priority). I will not invite him into my home. I will not go anywhere near his. I will not sit down to a meal with him. We will communicate only via text, and email. We will meet only to pick up and drop off Caesar. (Even those basic things are made into complications to the point where no one knows who is doing what, when or where and carries the possibility of police involvement). It is such a scary situation that I considered leaving the state/and or country so as not to be put in situations where I am at risk. I won't live like this anymore.
I am getting back to living my life.
Sadly, through all this, Caesar is the one who suffers. There is no remorse, acceptance or responsibility for what he did to our family. He shows up telling new lies and doing everything to cover up the ones he’s already told. And then claims that I am the one who does not want peace. He takes great pride in what he feels is his 'win'. I see a fly trapped in a web of lies that he weaved, and from which he cannot break free. His idea of peace would be for me to accept his lies and make them my truth. To bend to his will. To get on his insanity train.
I have no doubt that CX is going to write his own destruction. He is back to running for political office. What better way to bring attention to himself? It is his ego and thirst for power and control that will be his downfall.
What is important now is that my time with Caesar is spent passing on the legacy of love and wisdom that was given to me. He has a strong but gentle spirit.
As long as I hold on to my inner happiness...
I can turn negative into positive.
Chaos into calm.
Tears into laughter.
Pain into triumph.
I can smile and love and have fun and live.
I can see the beauty in the world.
Appreciate the feel of sunshine on my skin
Enjoy every moment spent with the boys...
Do all I can to offer different ways to perceive life, love and guidance.
My healing and moving forward begins with adjusting my thinking and adapting the right attitude. Below are some of my favorite attitude quotes.
1. What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him.
2. I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl
3. No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent. ~William Ellery Channing, 1838
4. Whenever you fall, pick something up. ~Oswald Avery
5. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. ~Winston Churchill
6. What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. ~Dwight Eisenhower, address to Republican National Committee, 31 January 1958, also sometimes attributed to Mark Twain (unverified)
7. The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
8. If you can wear the hard times of your life as furrows on your brow, you can wear the good times as a twinkle in your eye. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
9. Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it's looks, most women know otherwise. ~Kathleen Turner
10. Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene. ~Arthur Christopher Benson
11. The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong. ~Thomas Carlyle
12. The real "it is well" is something I say from the ground, having fallen. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
13. Never mind the odds against you. If you doubled your effort, what would the odds against you do - send for reinforcements? ~Robert Brault, "Sparsely Sage, Mostly Rosemary and Thyme," www.robertbrault.com
14. They can betray me, but I choose not to betray my peace of mind. ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com
15. For every day that there is sunshine, there will be days of rain, it's how we dance within them both that shows our love and pain. ~Joey Tolbert
16. My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. ~Jack Layton
17. A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.
18. Mind is everything. Muscle - pieces of rubber. All that I am, I am because of my mind. ~Paavo Nurmi
19. Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise. ~Alice Walker
20. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
Every great oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their ground.
I am still the woman who I was born to be.