I stood in a corner, across from where they sat on the couch playing. The smile on Thorr and Caesar’s faces was contagious. I watched them for the longest time, feeling love and pride flows inside me. It has been a while since they saw each other. and there existed a deep sense of brotherhood that was untouchable. There were many moments throughout the weekend when time slowed to remind me that the bond between us is eternal.
And there were also times when I look at Caesar and feel the most intense ache for his childhood that is fast slipping away. Then I look at Thorr who has found his way back home and my fear for Caesar though it will never go away becomes a little more bearable.
We have walked a long and treacherous road as a family. We have all had to grow new skin, stronger, tougher skin. Our will is strong. We’re survivors.
There is no doubt in my mind that to these boys, I am home. I am their constant and their place of solace. My word is my bond to them. I don’t make promises that I don’t keep.
I watched them unobserved from across the room lost in my perfect moment. The boys have always been my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
Ally asked me few days ago, “Kitten, if you could go back in time what would you change about your life?”
“Nothing,” I said with absolute confidence and conviction.
“You would still have married Thomas?” She asked in a voice that cackles with disbelief.
“We have Thorr?” I said.
“And CX? Would you still have gotten involved with him knowing what you now know?"
I wish every day that I had never met him. He and Thomas are what I would call my two biggest mistakes and regret were it not for the boys. But they are also the two men who through the boys, I am bound for life.
“We have Ceasar,” I said.
“You could have had Thorr and Caesar with different men,” She points out.
“But I didn’t," I said.
And despite all the hardships that I have been through raising the boys with or without these two men, Thomas and CX have without doubt been instrumental in shaping my life in the most profound ways.
Much has been taken from me and much has been given to me.
I do not regret the life I've lived, though I have paid a hefty price for some of my mistakes.
In my darkest moment when I thought I’d lost all that I love and my legs would no longer hold me, I woke up one day and found that I'd grown wings.
No. I wouldn't change anything. I am not a victim. I’m a survivor.
To Thomas and CX I would like to say thank you for making me a fighter.
Thanks for making me a fighter
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
Made me learn a little bit faster
Makes me that much smarter...