There were moments when I would catch Kenny looking at me. And even after knowing him for years, he awakened in me the kind of lust and longing and hunger that made me want to follow him anywhere.
I would look back at him with my lustful invitation and surrender. We were trapped in each other’s spell and did not want to leave it.
In the way he said my name was a message that tore through my layers to find the place where innocence lives. And I am nothing...nothing but the moment when he peel the layers of clothing from my body as he had years of protective shell to find me untouched. And oh, how we lived in our moments.
Kenny looked at me from the inside out.
For years, I’ve been criticized for writing about sex. The emails came daily and still I wrote without pause and or apologies. If I haven’t made it clear by now that I am stubborn and unruly, it’s because you’re not listening, or you may not want to believe me when I tell you that I find no shame in expressing my sexuality.
I don’t need darkness to make love. I prefer the light. I don’t make love with my clothes to hide my body from a lover's gaze. No. I delight in my nakedness. I don’t stifle my moans and groans, I give in and let go and scream. I beg for more and more and more until I’m fulfilled.
There is no shame in my sexuality. In fact, good, bad and or ugly, there is no shame about my life. I walk and dance in my triumphs and my tragedies.
I realized recently that living out loud has served me well. If you don’t tell your story, others will attempt to tell it for you.
I recently received an email from a woman who used to write me all the time telling me to stop writing about sex. "I'm a christian woman," She writes. (There is nothing wrong with being a Christian as long as your being a Christian does not compel you to impose your beliefs of right and wrong on others). This is my humble opinion on this issue.
She says that sex is a private matter between a man and woman and should not be discussed in open. That the way I wrote about sex with Kenny and others was shameful.
She expressed being glad that I may have found the lord and is turning over a new leaf because I haven’t written about sex in a while.
I hate to disappoint… I have adjusted my thinking and attitude about a lot of things in the past few years. I’ve had to – circumstances and my survival forced difficult choices upon me. And in the process revealed a system torn to shred, with suffering and greed its sustenance.
Expressing my sexuality is not among the adjustments I’ve made…
The only reason, I haven’t written much about sex is because I’m going through somewhat of man-hating phase. I understand how some women and men can grow and stay bitter about relationships. What if terror, destruction, deceit and abuse is all you know?
I am saved by the fact that I have also dated some extra-ordinary men - men who loved and respected and treasured me and in whose arms I was safe.
I’ve become fiercely protective of my emotions. I’ve had moments of indulgence in lustful thoughts but never for long. I’ve built an army of protective cells and they show no mercy to these indulgences.
It is slow, but I am getting back to embracing my sexuality. I will for years to come laugh and moan and dance naked on these pages.
"I used to think freedom meant doing whatever you want. It means knowing who you are, what you are supposed to be doing on this earth, and then simply doing it,"
--Natalie Goldberg -- Writing Down the Bones