“You haven’t mentioned CX in a while,” Allan said to me few weeks ago. “What’s crazy up to?”
We were sitting on a bench along the river- walk. I’d been silent for a while absorbing the colorful scenery and reflecting on how the changing seasons perfectly captures life. Do we not have our time of winter, spring, summer and fall? Are we not in a constant state of change?
“He has been and will always be a one trick pony,” I said.
“You know that he’s going to keep coming after you, right?”
“I know,” I said.
We’ve had several situations in the past few months… we will continue to have issues…this is the reality that I have come to accept.
I’ve had situations where he has dropped off Caesar and did not pick him up when he was supposed to and would not answer his phone. (In his petition for custody, these are some of the things that he accused me of doing even though he is the one who does them consistently)
I almost got kicked out of a summer class because he did not pick up Caesar in time for me to attend, despite letting him know that I had to make it to class. I waited in the campus parking lot for over an hour after my class started.
Twice this summer he sent Caesar to a ‘Youth Marine’ camp for a week where there was no contact with him. Caesar could not call us and we could not contact him. For one of the outings, Caesar said he was in the woods doing military drills. Caesar is only ten. The first time he was sent away, he was nine.
I don’t have a problem with some of the activities in the program. And I’m not saying that some of the teachings may not be helpful, but I do not believe that children Caesar’s age should be thrust into these programs. Listening to Caesar talk about becoming a marine and going to fight war and kill bad guys, makes me sick. He is too young to understand the realities of war. When I objected to Caesar being in this program at his age, and expressed my concerns about what he perceives being a marine to be, CX got the GAL involve who accused me of implying that the program was training children to kill. She even wrote a letter to the judge supporting CX’s decision to keep Caesar in the program. I refuse to take Caesar, and was further accused of not being ‘involved’ in Caesar’s activities. CX is raising Caesar to be a marine, like him.
I wonder if CX has ever listened when Caesar sings. The kid is magnificent. He is creative and fun and intelligent beyond his years and it breaks my heart that his natural talents are not being developed. Caesar is in martial arts so instead of military drills at this point in his life, how about singing lessons? How about piano lessons? Guitar?
On my weekend visit with Caesar on September 28th, CX text me twice to let me know that he was running late to pick up Caesar. (Most times he just shows up late without explanation) I was less than 5 minutes away when I received a third text that if I didn’t show up in the next few minutes, I would have to bring Caesar to school in the morning.
Back up few months… During the custody 'battle', he moved to the city. I live in the suburbs. Heading to and from the city during rush hour can be a 3-4 plus hour event. I’m sure he thought that that was a strategic move. He offered to have me pick up Caesar from school at least twice per week. I refused, not that I don't want to see Caesar, but I understand the impossibility of what was involved, and was not about to commit myself to something I couldn’t do. (That’s a typical psychopath’s move. They create problematic situations and then accuse you of being unfit and irresponsible when you fall short).
He claimed that I didn’t want to spend time with Caesar.
I text him back and told him that we were almost there. I showed up less than five minutes later. He wasn’t there and wouldn’t answer his phone. Was he ever there? I doubt it. He showed up 15 -20 minutes later.
On Friday, October 19th Caesar told me that CX was sending him to stay with his mom for a week and he was leaving that Sunday. I don’t have a problem with Caesar spending time with CX’s mother. Caesar has been visiting and staying with her unsupervised for years around the holiday season.
When I first met CX he would talk about how much he hated his mother. He said that she was evil. But when I met her, she seemed like the nicest woman. And he didn’t seem to have a problem leaving Caesar with her. Caesar’s only complaint about her is that she treats him like a baby and wants to take him to church all the time and he prays alot. If the worst she does is make him pray and go to church, god bless the woman. I’ve gotten many prayers from keeping this site (a lot of those prayers came from people who wanted to save my soul for writing about sex) but no matter. I've never heard of prayer hurting anyone so for those who have prayed for me for whatever reason, thank you for I do not pray for myself.
During the custody trial, according to the GAL’s report, page 12, she wrote verbatim, (except for CX’s name being changed) “CX stated that his mother believed in hitting and would beat him and his brothers and had a bad experience in which she allowed her boyfriend to beat them. CX ran away and lived in foster care for a period of time”.
After the trial, he wanted to send Caesar to see her. I asked him if she were such a horrible parent, why would he trust her to watch Caesar all these years?
He accused me of not wanting Caesar to spend time with his mother.
There is no one that he won’t lie to and or about. No one.
I have Caesar this weekend and there is more conflict. CX wants me to keep him until Monday because he's busy. I would love to, but I have an exam schedule that I can’t miss. My friends would be happy to help out, except none of them will go anywhere near Caesar for fear of CX filing false accusations against them.
When I told him that he will have to pick up Caesar when he is schedule to pick him up, he resorted to what he does best. He tried to bully me. The fool doesn’t realize that I have stripped him of any and all power that he had over me.
When that didn’t work he emailed me that I was schedule to have Caesar for a week in the fall and I would not take him and that’s why he had to send him to stay with his mother. First, there is no such agreement. Second, he did not discuss sending Caesar to spend time with his mother with me. And that’s because of what he said about her in court documents. He must’ve also forgotten that after I got off the phone with Caesar, I emailed him asking that he confirm that he was sending Caesar to visit his mother. He must've also forgotten that he responded to my email a day later. He tells so many lies they get away from him. And he never, ever seems to think of the consequences.
He demonized me to get custody (that he did not want). Raising a child is a commitment that demands 100 percent. When I had custody, I scheduled my life around Caesar. I was restricted in the kinds of jobs I could work and the things I could do with my time. I understood that I had to be present. CX is not capable of committing himself to anyone, not even Caesar. To him, Caesar is a weapon that he uses to abuse and control me. His plan was to negotiate his way out of paying child support. But his lies got away from him when I got into the ring with him and was willing to fight to the death for my son, my name, my life and my freedom from nine years of his repression. I said enough. No more, motherfucker.
Now that I know what CX is, there is no mystery about the last nine years. And there is no mystery about the future. I promise you, there are more court battles on the horizon. I can guarantee that CX is still going around smearing my name to anyone who will listen to him. I can guarantee that he always will.
So in answer to Allan’s question…why don’t I talk about him anymore?
Because I have unmasked him and find that there is nothing there except the most unfortunate person I’ve ever known. That he is a one trick pony who seemed strong because I gave him power. So I unplugged him and left him trapped and bound with his lies.
Putting him into perspective is part of my healing and moving forward. Once I see you, I see you. What I now know, I cannot unknow. The family structure between us is shattered beyond repair.
The tears I cry for Caesar are endless.
I have Caesar every other weekend. And along with Thorr, we live fully our moments. I understand the value of a moment. I understand that moments is all we get in this life.
I am prepared to roll with the spring, summer, fall and winter moments that are sure to come.