“I don’t make promises to myself that I don’t keep.” I said. “I don’t see the point,”
I was sitting across Jen and Ally over lunch catching up on the happenings in our lives. It’s been a trying year for all of us.
Ally filed for divorce after many years of trying to duct-tape the splinters left from an abusive marriage, but was contemplating not following through with the divorce. Wondering – what if she uses a thicker duct-tape, will the splinters hold this time?
And Jen continues to hold out hope that her married lover will leave his wife.
It seems every year we meet to discuss changes that we will make for the New Year but nothing changes. We discussed the same problems last year, the year before and the one before that...but Jen and Ally are still in the same heading-to-nowhere relationships. They are stuck in the one-step forward and two steps backward dance.
I sat back in my chair. “Do you guys realize that we meet every year and you make promises to yourselves that you don’t keep? When are you going to mean what you say and do what you say you're going to do?”
They stared at me. Jen chuckled.
“You're right," Ally said. "We complain about our lives and how unhappy we are. We say that we're going to change and we don't. I'm tired of listening to myself too. But what if there is a chance to save this marriage? What if?”
“Then you do whatever you can to save it if you feel that it is worth saving. Is it worth saving? And is it in your power to save it?” I asked looking at her bruised eye carefully concealed with make-up, still healing from the last time his fist accidentally slammed into her face after she’d gone back to try to ‘talk’ things through (after filing for divorce). He likes to ‘talk’ with his fist and cuts her up in tiny pieces with his tongue. And fucks other women and doesn’t care that she knows – and keeps her in a cage to which he alone holds the key.
She looked at me for the longest time without answering. “I just want to get back to the way we were in the beginning when we were young and in love and the world was ours for the taking. When we laughed and dreamed of how our lives would be. I want the dream I had when I walked down the aisle,”
“Divide a woman’s emotions from her sensibilities and you’ve got her” I believe it was Julius Caesar who said these words.
No doubt that we are emotional beings sometimes/oftentimes ruled by our emotions. We are thought weak by many for acting on our emotions. Poems have been written, and countless jokes told about a woman and her emotional state. I happen to enjoy and embrace my emotions. I know what it is like to follow my emotions into danger. But I understand the value of logical thinking and will stop and step out of my fairy-tale to look critically at my decisions.
I stared at Ally and wondered...Is this a situation of a woman whose emotions has been divided from her sensibilities?
“Is that what you’re holding onto, not the man but the dream of how you thought life was going to be?"
“I don’t know,” She said. “I just want the man I married. I have no idea where he’s gone. But he’s been missing for the last ten our thirteen year marriage. I’m just wishing that he’ll come back. That’s all,”
I could feel her heart. We’ve shared eighteen years of friendship. I love and value her like a sister. I hated to see her beaten into submission.
My father used to say that if a relationship is not working, it’s not meant to work.
Treasure the good moments, learn from the not-so good times and keep moving. “Don’t be afraid of the unknown, Kitten. The unknown is the realm of possibilities. The man you're suppose to meet may be out there. Your dreams... may be out there,”
I have never forgotten those words. And live my life as an explorer of peace, happiness and fulfillment. Misery is not a place that I can call home. And discontent will not live long enough to become familiar.
The wind changes direction in our lives, and we adapt. It is when we insist on changing things and people that are not in our control to change that we lose ourselves. Not being consistent in what I say and what I do causes inner conflict and confusion and the inability to make rational life decisions. Being afraid of change taught me that though it may feel that I stand on solid ground, the world is quicksand beneath my feet. And it was when I stepped into the unknown that life revealed itself to me – the moment I allowed myself to fall, I broke free of my self-built prison.
I took her hand. "I love you like a sister, you know that right?"
"Yes," she said.
“Kit, you have to fight for love,” Jen said. “Sometimes you just have to go with your heart,”
“True,” I said. “But that does not mean that we should not consult with our sensibilities,”
I know how destructive it can be to see things and people not as they are, but how I want them to be, and turn a blind eye to the obvious. I also know that some things/people demand awareness and action. Your life may depend on it.
What good is it to want a man/woman/relationship that has proven destructive to you?
Allan said to me once – “Kitten, some of my best gifts are unanswered prayers. Thank goodness I didn't get a lot of the things I prayed for,”
We ended lunch on a cheerful note and prepared ourselves for the New Year with new and old challenges.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and cheers to fantastic New Year. May you keep the promises that you make to yourself.
“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”