Lust, passion, the need to be close is an inherent human need. As I venture out of the safety of my self-built cell, I knew there would come a time when the sexual instinct to which we are susceptible would force me to surrender. When the thrill of a first kiss would leave me hungry for more - when a touch would ignite in me such carnal longing that I may want to risk my heart for single moment of passion if only to feel truly alive again. And I may one day feel incline to test my new freedom and bring a man home.
I realized after my first date with Sully that I liked him. Fiercely intelligent – with an air of independence and carefree surrender to life, he fascinated me. Still, I spent a great deal of our evening checking to make sure that the gold chest in which I store my emotions remained safely locked away.
When the evening ended, I knew that I wanted to see him again. It’s seldom that I come across people who can laugh about themselves. Sully and I talked and laughed about the turbulent years of our lives – the lessons that taught us about ourselves, and now we go dancing in the rain.
I began our next date with a simple thought, “Let go and see what happens, Kitten.” After all, what was I afraid of – that a man would make me throb and ache again? Undress me, taste and penetrate me again? Make me moan, groan, and surrender again?
I stared at myself in the mirror and whispered the words of Anais Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
How could I love again if I won’t risk my heart?
How could I feel if I won’t let go?
And so one evening, I buckled my high heels around my ankles and stepped out with a new attitude.
“What makes you so incredibly sexy to me, Kitten, is the staggering confidence with which you present yourself to me. It is this acceptance and surrender to your sexuality that you have the power to smite me with a glance, that you have kept me captivated every day since I met you,” Kenny told me one day, staring at me from across the room. I could’ve sworn that I felt his need in the pit of my stomach, a deep endless longing that enveloped and consumed us. I wanted to drown in his kisses.
Through the years, every now and then I saw me through his eyes, and it dawned on me that what makes a woman sexy is not necessarily the shape of her ass, it’s how she carries it. It’s not the size of her breasts, or her pretty face, it’s the grace with which she stands. That she is at home in her skin – her unquestioning certainty of the power she holds as a sexual being, endowed with the gift of love and compassion and nurture to find and bring a lost man home.
I allowed myself the openness to sit in Sully's embrace, and we connected. I felt the weakening in the pit of my stomach as lust descended upon me. And when I kissed his lips for the first time, I found that I was starving. I wanted a second and a third and I couldn’t stop. I started to touch and I couldn’t stop. I ached and flooded with the need to be everything and nothing – to be plucked like a corn from its stalk – devoured in ways that would make me blush come morning.
And I found myself with something I haven’t felt in a long time, the willingness to trust in the moment and myself. There was no reason that I should be content giving myself orgasms and spending my time alone because I didn’t want to risk another broken heart. Being afraid to love for fear of loss is not courageous. Courage is putting oneself on the line, knowing that you may get hurt, but you risk it anyway because the alternative is unacceptable.
I opened the golden chest that protected my heart and removed my steeled armor. And I invited Sully into my space. The risk to remain tight in my bud had become more painful than the risk it took to blossom. I have no expectations – but I am open to surprises. I have only an open road and no idea where it’s going.
"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."
- Emil Ludwig