“Am I in trouble?” Eric asked when I showed up at his place.
“Yes,” I said.
“Then I better make myself a mojito so that my spanking won’t hurt too badly. Do you want one? You look like you could use it,”
“I could use two after what you put me through,” I said.
“More Dr. Seuss inspired rhymes, Kitten. What’s up with that?” he smiled at me.
I giggled. "You know that I'm here to discuss the angry fellow that you set me up with, right?"
“Yes. I’ve been expecting you. At least this one didn’t ask you for a blow-job,” he chuckled.
“No more blind dates. You have horrific taste in men for me,” I said.
“Fair enough. I struck out twice, besides you don’t need my help, do you Kitten?”
I flashed him a provocative glance. “Am I not a Sexkitten?”
“Yes, you are. If I liked women as much as I like men, I would’ve kidnapped and marry you long ago."
We took our mojitos to the patio. I stared at the pool, the water glistened invitingly, a promise of relief against the sweltering heat. “You can skinny-dip if you want, I won’t look at your girl parts,” Eric said.
“Need I remind you that you were once married to a woman?”
“Okay. I would look at your sexy ass, and your big tits, but that’s it,”
We were silent for a while sipping on our mojitos. The day had a stillness to it as if life was on vacation.
“You know, dating is going to be a challenge for you,” He said after a while.
“Why is that? I’ve never had difficulty finding a man,”
“And here you still are, Kitten. But that's because you’re an alpha. It takes an alpha to win an alpha,”
I stared at him and couldn’t find a witty come-back. Instead, I decided to take that swim after all. I stripped down to my panties and dove into the cool embrace of the water.
Driving home, I found myself asking the question, are you an alpha, Kitten? And what does it mean to be an alpha? I flashed back few days before sitting at Tyson’s table crying like a little girl while he stood across the room befuddled, as if my tears were made of a ghastly substance that would do him harm if he got too close.
“There now, Kitten, don’t cry,” He crooned from across the room. “There, there now,”
I chuckled at the memory, but reminded myself that a crying woman or man in no way means weakness. Had I been attacked even in that emotional state, the attacker would have found himself confronted with a woman trained in the fine arts of survival.
Am I an alpha? The term when used to describe a woman oftentimes paints a hostile, angry, power-driven woman who feels superior to men and dresses and behaves like one. Not I - I would not trade my short skirts, high heels and femininity for anything in the world. However, I do possess some traits that one may consider applicable to that of an alpha female. I can be aggressive when I want to be. I am assertive and competitive. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want. I demand respect. I've worked in a male dominated field. I will play, as long as I know the rules of the game and can morally agree to them. I ask a lot of questions. I am decisive. When life charges at me, there are times when I feel it necessary to charge back. But if one digs a little deeper, one may find that I am secretly a submissive. Good people, please do not mistake submissive for subservient – subservient I am not.
Let me explain…I am perfectly happy to stand by a man’s side and trust him to make decisions about our lives – if he is capable. I do not go about flexing my muscles and declaring that I am all-powerful and do not need anyone. That would be a lie. I can’t nor do I want to be a lone wolf.
I need a man's mind. I need his love, his sex, his taste – his touch. I need the sight of him in my bed – the feel and thought of him inside me – his laughter – there is nothing more seductive to me than looking across the room and finding my partner’s gaze upon me, full of desire to have me again - and again. I love that a man can touch me so deeply that alpha though I may be, I will fall to my knees for him. I love that a man can break my heart.
But…I understand the importance of being able to stand on my own. I earned my first alpha stripe as a young wife, faced with taking over as head of the family if Thorr and I were to survive Thomas’s addiction. When Thomas refused to step down, I challenged him and took my place as leader. Does that make me an alpha?
Since he was the only one working, I learned fast that if a woman cannot stand on her own, she may be forced to compromise and negotiate who she is and what she stands for – it’s a place I never wanted to be again. Maya Angelou said, “A woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own if she ever wants or needs to,”
I learned to hunt my food, kill it and cook it. I learned that education is power. So I got educated. I learned that I can stand on my own – and could now be a partner in a relationship – not as a woman who stands voiceless behind a man – and not one who has to lead – but one who can stand on equal ground.
I don’t seek out a partner for his money, for I am confident that I can make my own.
If a man wants to leave, I won't ask him to stay.
I know my value and respect myself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves or makes me happy.
I will fight to the death for my family.
My friends are bound to me by love, loyalty and mutual respect.
I can love you completely and not lose myself in you.
Does this make me an alpha? If so, what’s wrong with being an alpha?
My alpha partner will not be threatened by my strength – for he understands that we are better for it. In moments when he falls weak, he can trust me to carry us through the tough times. He has no desire to lead me for he knows that a man can only lead himself. He understands that even though he can have my body at will - I am more than sex – I am the missing piece to his puzzle. My alpha does not want me voiceless behind him –he wants me beside him for my intellect and my counsel is sound and invaluable to him.
“You need to take off your armor and leave your weapons at the door, Kitten. You’re safe with me,” Kenny told me one day as we lay in bed touching each other as if we were a new discovery. I had come to my senses and decided that he was It – after I’d spent years showing up for sex and leaving thinking that I was not the right woman for him.
It was the day I fell apart and wept for hours in his arms. My limbs ached from standing armed and alone for so long. My alpha held and kissed me through it all.
At the end of the day, I’m just a woman who feels deeply and love fiercely. I cry like a tsunami and laugh with such innocence that you can’t take your eyes off me. I am soft but I’m also powerful. If that makes me an alpha, I am proud to be – an alpha.
“A Woman in harmony with her spirit
is like a river flowing.
She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination
prepared to be herself
and only herself ”
― Maya Angelou