“Kitten,” Tyson said, “Have you met any nice men on that dating site, yet?” I was hoping he wouldn’t ask. I was still trying to figure out how I could quit after 5 days. I found out that Ally and Jen had a bet that I wouldn’t make it a month. Ally gave me 15 days, Jen gave me 10. I understand now that John was more frustrated than angry when he met me. But no matter, one has to learn how to keep an open mind, roll with the punches and still maintain a sense of humor about life.
I rinsed the cherries that I brought and turned to find Tyson leaning against the door frame watching me with gray eyes that peered ageless and alive through wrinkled skin. I stared at him, intrigued, not by the aging body, but the eyes that looked as if he'd outgrown them. “You don’t have a soul, Doctor. You are a soul. You have a body, temporarily.” I thought of the line from Walter Miller’s novel, A Canticle for Leibowitz.
This was my third visit in three weeks. He’s the only person who plays chess with me and I’ve been consumed with the need to challenge my mind and have philosophical conversations. I asked Ally to accompany me thinking that she may like to meet Tyson. She refused. “What possible reason can you have for always going to see this crazy old man in the woods?” She asked.
“He’s not crazy. He's evolved,” I said. “He gives me knowledge and we play chess. With that attitude, he wouldn’t like you anyway,”
“How long were you on the site?” Tyson asked.
“Five days,” I said.
“Why so short?”
“I found it distracting,”
He laughed. “Didn’t you have a few dates?”
“I did,” I said and proceeded to tell him about them.
I went on four dates in one week. They were nice guys. No one tried to rape me or acted inappropriately. One guy kept emailing me that he was going to marry and take me to Africa which scared me a little. Other than that, the men with whom I met were gentlemen.
Jen gave more weird tips on men that didn't help much. Evidently, the clue to a man's cock size is not in the size of his shoes but the size of his hands. Short and stubby fingers means short and stubby cock - long and thin fingers means long and thin cock - little fingers means little cock. And so, I found myself looking at hands and smiling to myself.
At the end of the dates, I had no desire to go back for seconds. I had no desire for further exploration and did not want to kiss any of them to see if the earth moved.
One of the four was funny and engaging, I liked him. And thought that I should take a second look - sometimes, it’s worth taking a second look to see if you over-looked something the first time. Sometimes things are just off.
They thought that I was hot shit and wanted to see me again. I was intrigued. What is attraction and where does it come from? How is it that they were attracted to me, and I felt nothing for them?
I say here often that looking like a hunk is not the most important thing to me. In fact, I prefer geeks, the shy brainiacs that I can make blush with my expressive personality, but who can wow me when they speak. In addition to intelligence, I expect that a man is groomed, and is confident in himself. It doesn’t hurt to be a little vain. I am. I work out regularly, shower often, dress well, I've had a boob job - I get my nails done and whitens my teeth, and when I show up, I guarantee that you will have a desirable feline on your arm, one who will not only wow you with intelligence - but who is ready for an adventure, laughs a lot and is comfortable in her skin.
At the end of the week, I’d had enough. I ended up having to tell them that I was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but would like to maintain a friendly and or professional relationship. Would you, or do you know anyone who would like to purchase insurance?
“I feel like a wanderer,” I told Tyson. “But I don’t feel lost,”
“Not all who wanders is lost,” he said. “There are those of us Kitten, that doesn’t fit into any box. We know no other way than to be ourselves, and that is hard to do. If you insist, you end up an outcast.”
I've taken myself out of the online dating game. I spend my free time reading, writing, working out and hanging with my friends. I masturbate whenever I feel like it, pulling from the memories that I’ve collected. At will, I can choose to be in Kenny’s arms. I am happy as IS. Jean-Paul Sartre said, “If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.”
Attraction, where does it come from? I am certain that if I go on enough dates, I will meet someone with whom I connect. But I think I'll just continue about my life and see who wanders my way.
“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.”
– Romana L. Anderson