I haven’t had time to write lately, which bothers me. I’ve grown restless and out-of-sort in the past few weeks - my bottled thoughts and emotions spills unchecked in mutterings. At times over a cup of tea, doing laundry, soaking in the tub, or in this particular case, cutting cheese into cubes to serve with grapes and wine.
Jen’s chuckle interrupted me. “Kit, you’ve been talking to yourself for the last ten minutes. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I need to write,” I said.
She stared at me as if waiting for me to make sense.
“That’s why I’m talking to myself,” I said. "I haven't written in weeks, the words are spilling out of my mind,"
I don’t know when or how it was decided that I am deep, but that’s the word floating around the friendship circle. I’m not sure what it means to be deep. Is it a compliment?
She had stopped by unannounced. When my friends cannot get in contact with me, they show up. That’s the agreement. I opened the door to a pissed off friend, demanding to know why I did not return any of her calls. “I’ve been studying,” I said. “I meant to call, I’m sorry,”
I finished piling grapes onto the tray and poured two glasses of wine. We took our booze and snack tray to the balcony, and I introduced her to my new wind chime that for some strange reason does not chime even in the strongest wind.
“Listen,” she said, after two glasses. “When I call and you don’t answer, I worry. I know that you get into your Zen moments, but you still need to answer the phone or send a text...something to let me know that you're ok. I can’t imagine what I would do without you, Cunt-ina,”
“Nor I you, Whore-lene. Thanks for checking in," I said giggling at the use of our chick names and raising my glass in a toast. Jen is still estranged from her family for dating John. They are Christians, and felt that she disgraced them and the church dating a married man. She jokes sometimes that I am the only one left.
“I keep waiting for you to break,” she said, “And when you don’t answer, I think that it’s finally here, the moment when you fall and we’ll need to scrape you off the floor. I don't want you to need me and I'm not here,”
Except for Allan and Tyson, my friends thought that I should've backed away from the trial. I'd sat them down and told them that I was going to be beaten bloody and left for dead - and still lose Caesar, but that I was going to fight anyway. And that I may need them to help me get back up.
They told me to back away. I said no.
"Why not?" They wanted to know.
"Because my name and my character is important to me. I refuse to be taken captive, and negotiate for my life on lies," I knew that I would've been forever trapped in them.
Despite the warning, Jen and Ally still wonders if I regret my decision to go down fighting.
I do not.
“The moment when I fall apart has come and gone,” I said. Didn’t you read,Transformation?
“That was the moment. You just didn’t witness it,” I said.
“You were a caterpillar and you became a butterfly?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. “Ever hear the saying, Anything that works against you, can also work for you once you understand the Principle of Reverse?” I asked.
“No. Where did you hear that?”
"Tyson told me. This knowledge has become vital in my life,"
She stared blankly at me. “Have more wine,” I said.
Maya Angelou said...
“My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked, A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke,
When I think about myself.”
These days I laugh far more than I cry. My life – though tragic in some respect, is also a comic show, even the parts where I am dragged off stage kicking and screaming. And those where I stand against harsh elements half-clothed. And others, when I dared to stand for what I believe in knowing that the outcome would not be favorable. These piratical decisions has led to some of the proudest moments of my life.
I was once told by an ex that my life was full of bad decisions, marrying Thomas, getting involved with CX, being a mother so young.... He didn't see the person I was becoming because of them. Through his eyes, I used to think that I had completely screwed up my life, and constantly apologized for myself. Now, I wouldn’t trade my experiences and or poor choices for anything. I have come to recognize them as the cornerstones of my life. I dared to follow my restless heart into adventure. I have touched and tasted of forbidden fruits - I dared to love and lost time and again and not lose hope. I dared to stand so naked before a man, not just in flesh, but in all that I am, that he couldn’t help but fall to his knees before me. And now, I stand on the doorstep of self-discovery looking back at all the places that I have been. And I laugh at it all – what a magnificent life I’ve lived so far and still so young. I don’t think that life’s been unkind to me at all – I think that life has gifted me.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
- Maya Angelou -