The ache of missing Kenny came out of nowhere. I have taken time to heal, and have embraced getting back into the dating world determined to leave the past where it belongs, live in the present and leave my future open to possibilities. I have since played untamed in another man's arms and hungered for his kiss. I have stroked his shaft to life, held it between my lips and have been penetrated and possessed in ways that I allowed Kenny alone to have me.
But it was not sex for which I wanted in that moment – sex I can get anytime - it was something far deeper – the thing that grows with age and defies time. The thing that makes two people love through all the pain and disappointments that life brings their way. And that which makes us even in our wrinkled skin, still the most beautiful girl in the room to those who knows us from the inside out.
“...it’s knowing that I get to share my life with you that makes me happy," Kenny said the last time we discussed marriage. "Kitten, with all my physical strength, you have the power to render me helpless. From the day I met you – knowing that I was better with you than without you has been my one absolute truth about us.”
It was for this absolute knowing that I missed and was brought to tears.
One of my sisters observed of our parents one day... She said, "When mother is around, father walks like a lion, and when mother is away, father crawls," Our parents have known each other since they were teenagers. My sister's words have remained the most beautiful, yet tragic expression of love I've ever heard – that in love is our strength and our weakness – the best and worst days of our lives. “For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.” William Shakespeare wrote.
I sat on the couch and wept, the kind of weeping that turned my bones soft and I trembled when stand. I am not sure if the tears were from the menstrual cramps that had ravaged my body for three days, or the unchecked emotions that allowed me to give birth to my innermost desires. Some calls menstruation a curse, I think a woman is never more herself than at this time for she is incapable of holding anything in - she belches her longing into the universe like an escaped dragon, if she doesn't, they will consume her.
“I don’t have a lot of regrets, but I regret not marrying Kenny,” I told Ally over breakfast the next day.
She stared at me and burst into a big, sparkling grin. “It’s happening, isn't it?”
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“You’re getting the itch to settle down,”
“I don’t have any itch of any kind,” I said. “And certainly none to settle. I have no desire to catch and bag anyone for the sake of it. Have you ever felt alone - not lonely, but alone in an ocean of people?" I asked.
"No. How would I feel that?"
"You just feel it," I said. "Like when knowing crawls into your bones,"
She giggled. "What's going on with you?"
"I had a moment that made me wish I'd done some things differently,” I said.
“Like what?” She asked.
“I wish I’d loved Rey with a healed heart instead of a broken one - I would've been a better partner. I wish that my marriage to Thomas wasn't so tragic. That I hadn't been so lost and confused when I met Kenny that I couldn't recognize love when it found me. And for the years that I spent in CX's war zone, I wish I realized sooner that I had the key to set us all free. I know that I cannot go back and change any of it, and I don't want to. I understand the roles they played to get me here. I had a moment of clarity, Ally – of complete acceptance and ownership of my life and I am humbled by all that I have done. Maybe that’s why I was crying,” I said.
“Oh my god Kit, you’re so weird,” she said throwing her arms around me. “You should be talking to that crazy old man that you like to hang out with, I don’t know what to say to you when you talk like this,”
“I think I’m ready now,” I said as if she hadn't spoken. If it were advice I wanted, I would've gone to see Tyson who ask questions and helps me find answers. Ally give hugs and tells me that she doesn't know what I’m talking about. But she's a great listener and a solid fixture in my life. I would move mountains for her.
“Ready for what?” she asked.
“I think that I have enough knowledge and understanding about myself to be in a real relationship, even marriage, with the right person. My wounds are healed – my regrets are laid to rest – I've forgiven my mistakes. I really am happy with my life as is. I didn't have what it takes before. But I do now,”
Steven Covey said, “Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground.”
When I step back into the pages of my life, I find a Sexkitten with nothing between her and herself. She stumbles and falls but gets back up and carries on. She laughs and cries. She fucks. She loves. She fights when necessary and surrenders when she must. She changes her mind - often. She's weak and she's strong. She's controversial and unapologetic. She's provocative and untamed. She's a scandal waiting to happen. She sits naked in the sun and cares not who wanders by and finds her exposed.
I observe her like a mischievous child peeks at the world from the rushed folds of a mother’s skirt. And I smile with quiet amusement and wonder. Yes, this life that I've lived, humbles me.
“That knowledge humbles me, melts my bones, closes my ears, and makes my teeth rock loosely in their gums. And it also liberates me. I am a big bird winging over high mountains, down into serene valleys. I am ripples of waves on silver seas. I'm a spring leaf trembling in anticipation.”
― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now