The ache of missing Kenny came out of nowhere even though I have taken the time to heal, and have embraced getting back into the dating world determined to leave the past where it belongs, lives in the present and leave my future open to possibilities. I have, since my life with Kenny ended played untamed in other men’s arms and hungered for kisses not his. I have stroked a new lover's shaft to life, held it between my lips and have been penetrated and possessed in ways that I allowed Kenny alone to have me. But I haven't felt with anyone else what I had with him.
I lay on my red antique couch feeling alone without him. My phone rang, and I ignored the smiling face of my lover. We were not in love - we were just flesh to each other. It was not sex for which I wanted at that moment. Sex– I can get anytime - but what I shared with my Kenny was something far deeper –it was the kind of thing that grows with age and defies time. The thing that makes two people love through all the pain and disappointments that life brings their way. And that which makes them even in their wrinkled skin, still the most beautiful in the world to each other because they loved from the inside out. “That I get to share my life with is what makes me happy," Kenny said the last time we discussed marriage. "Kitten, with all my physical strength, you have the power to render me helpless. From the day I met you – knowing that I was better with you than without you has been my one absolute truth about us.” It was for this knowing that I missed in my moment of yearning.
One of my sisters observed of our parents one day; she said, "When mother is around, father walks like a lion, and when mother is away, father crawls," Our parents have known each other since they were teenagers. My sister's words have remained the most beautiful, yet tragic expression of love I've ever heard – that in love is our strength and our weakness – the best and worst days of our lives. William Shakespeare wrote. “For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”
I sat on the couch and wept, the kind of weeping that turned my bones soft and I trembled when stand. I am not sure if the tears were from the menstrual cramps that had ravaged my body for three days, or the unchecked emotions that allowed me to give birth to my innermost desires. Some call menstruation a curse, I think a woman is never more herself than at this time for she is incapable of holding anything in - she belches her longing into the universe like an escaped dragon, if she doesn't, they will consume her. “I don’t have a lot of regrets, but it grieves me at times that I did not marry Kenny,” I told Ally over breakfast the next day. She stared at me and burst into a big, sparkling grin.
“It’s happening, isn't it?”
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“You’re getting the itch to settle down,”
“I don’t have any itch of any kind,” I said. “And certainly, none to settle. Have you ever felt alone, Ally - not lonely, but alone in an ocean of people?" I asked.
"No. How would I feel that?"
"You just feel it," I said. "Like when knowing crawls into your bones," She giggled. "What's going on with you?"
"I had a moment that made me wish I'd done some things differently,” I said.
“Like what?” She asked.
“I wish I’d loved Rey with a healed heart instead of a broken one - I would've been a better partner. I wish that my marriage to Thomas wasn't so tragic – that I hadn't been so lost and confused when I met Kenny that I couldn't recognize love when it found me. And for the years that I spent in CX's war zone, I wish I realized sooner that I had the key to set us all free. I know that I cannot go back and change any of it, and I don't want to. I understand the roles they all played to get me to this point in my life. But I had a moment of clarity, Ally – of complete acceptance and ownership of my life and I am humbled by all that I have done. Maybe that’s why I was crying,” I said.
“Oh my god Kit, you’re so weird,” she said throwing her arms around me. “You should be talking to that crazy old man that you like to hang out with all the time. I don’t know what to say to you when you speak like this,”
“I think I’m ready now,” I said as if she hadn't spoken. If it were advice I wanted, I would've gone to see Tyson who asks questions and helps me find answers. Ally give hugs and tells me that she doesn't know what I’m talking about most of the time. But she's a great listener and a solid fixture in my life. I would move mountains for her.
“Ready for what?” she asked.
“I think that I have enough knowledge and understanding about myself to be in a real relationship, even marriage, with the right person. My wounds are healed – my regrets are laid to rest – I've forgiven my mistakes. I wish that I had grown into this understanding with Kenny- I was starting to, and then he was gone. But I'm ready to love again. I wasn't before, but I am now. I don't just want to look at a man who lays in bed with me. I want to see him. Looking at someone is not the same as seeing them, you know. I want to desire and be passionate about knowing him - not just fuck him.” Steven Covey said, “Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground.”
When I step back into the pages of my life, I find a Sexkitten with nothing between her and herself. She stumbles and falls but gets back up and carries on. She laughs and cries. She fucks. She loves. She fights when necessary and surrenders when she must. She changes her mind - often. She's weak, and she's strong. She's controversial and unapologetic. She's provocative and untamed. She's a scandal waiting to happen. She sits naked in the sun and cares not who wanders by and finds her exposed. I observe her like a mischievous child peeks at the world from the rushed folds of a mother’s skirt. And I smile with quiet amusement and wonder. Yes, this life that I've lived humbles me.
“That knowledge humbles me, melts my bones, closes my ears, and makes my teeth rock loosely in their gums. And it also liberates me. I am a big bird winging over high mountains, down into serene valleys. I am ripples of waves on silver seas. I'm a spring leaf trembling in anticipation.” ― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey