I want to thank you all for your well wishes on Thomas’ passing. You are appreciated beyond my ability to express in words. I consider many of you family.
To say it’s been an emotionally taxing time would be putting it lightly. Thomas’ death took me to a place I’ve never been. I felt as if I lost a piece of me that I didn't know existed – there was a space in my life that he filled, that I didn't know he lived, and I found myself stumbling around in the emptiness. I needed Thorr’s presence, to look at him, touch him, be sure that he was ok, and to see that Thomas and I still existed in this time.
I shocked those closest to me, including myself at how broken I’ve been – except for Tyson who sees and knows things about me that I am growing into like an infant discovering her potential. “You’re special,” he told me. “Kitten you feel everything down to the marrow in your bones and experience life in ways that most don't. That’s why you are so strong,”
I stared at him. I have no inkling about this specialness he spoke about and strong was the last thing I felt these last few weeks. I felt lost and weak and needy. I feared being alone. I am thankful to have friends who welcomed me into their homes at all hours of the night and morning. To Johnson, my old lover, my friend who offered his chest as a pillow and his arms a safe place to sleep through the night and did not once try to take advantage of my vulnerability. And to Grey who took me out and gave me a couple shots of whiskey and told jokes to ease my pain. I am surrounded by so many people who loves me and I am grateful.
I also just returned from a family reunion that was good for my spirit. It was the first time in years that all of my sisters was home at the same time. We had a grand time. I was saddened only by the fact that Thorr and Caesar did not come. Thorr could not go for reasons I do not care to get into at the moment, but I would've loved nothing more than to spend this time with him. Thomas’ death has brought us closer. Though we’ve been at odds about his behavior and choices these last few years, I have no doubt that I am the ace card that Thorr keeps safely tucked away in his back pocket. He shows up now just to sit with me. It took me a while to figure out that I never had to worry about him coming home. I have always been his anchor.
As for Caesar, CX, didn't follow through with renewing his passport at the agreed upon time that was needed to move forward with final arrangements. I offered to renew it, he said he would take care of it, but didn't. I moved forward with my plans – no fighting- no court battles...I chose peace. I wonder sometimes if CX understands how much damage we have done to Caesar and the family unit. I stand back often and look at us, the debris of our lives are scattered everywhere. What a tragic story we are – I still have not spoken to him since the day we walked out of court. We drop off and pick up Caesar in coffee shop parking lots. Yet I feel no anger or bitterness toward him. More often than not these days, I feel gratitude for the lessons learned while down on my knees. Patrick Overton said, “When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.
As for dating... things are stagnant. Clark and I haven't moved an inch from where we started.
Sometimes one has to wait for what's next - with the understanding that there is always a next and be ready for it.
Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. —Hellen Keller.