I want to thank you all for your well wishes on Thomas’ passing. You are appreciated beyond my ability to express in words. I consider many of you family.
To say it’s been an emotionally taxing time would be putting it lightly. Thomas’ death took me to a place I’ve never been. I felt as if I lost a piece of me that I didn't know existed – there was a space in my life that he filled, that I didn't know he lived, and I found myself stumbling around in the emptiness. I needed Thorr’s presence, to look at him, touch him, be sure that he was ok, and to see that Thomas and I still existed in this time.
I shocked those closest to me, including myself at how broken I’ve been – except for Tyson who sees and knows things about me that I am growing into like an infant discovering her potential. “You’re special,” he told me. “Kitten you feel everything down to the marrow in your bones and experience life in ways that most don't. That’s why you are so strong,”
I stared at him. I have no inkling about this specialness he spoke about and strong was the last thing I felt these last few weeks. I felt lost and weak and needy. I feared being alone. I am thankful to have friends who welcomed me into their homes at all hours of the night and morning. To Johnson, my old lover, my friend who offered his chest as a pillow and his arms a safe place to sleep through the night and did not once try to take advantage of my vulnerability. And to Grey who took me out and gave me a couple shots of whiskey and told jokes to ease my pain. I am surrounded by so many people who loves me and I am grateful.
I also just returned from a family reunion that was good for my spirit. It was the first time in years that all of my sisters was home at the same time. We had a grand time. I was saddened only by the fact that Thorr and Caesar did not come. Thorr could not go for reasons I do not care to get into at the moment, but I would've loved nothing more than to spend this time with him. Thomas’ death has brought us closer. Though we’ve been at odds about his behavior and choices these last few years, I have no doubt that I am the ace card that Thorr keeps safely tucked away in his back pocket. He shows up now just to sit with me. It took me a while to figure out that I never had to worry about him coming home. I have always been his anchor.
As for Caesar, CX, didn't follow through with renewing his passport at the agreed upon time that was needed to move forward with final arrangements. I offered to renew it, he said he would take care of it, but didn't. I moved forward with my plans – no fighting- no court battles...I chose peace. I wonder sometimes if CX understands how much damage we have done to Caesar and the family unit. I stand back often and look at us, the debris of our lives are scattered everywhere. What a tragic story we are – I still have not spoken to him since the day we walked out of court. We drop off and pick up Caesar in coffee shop parking lots. Yet I feel no anger or bitterness toward him. More often than not these days, I feel gratitude for the lessons learned while down on my knees. Patrick Overton said, “When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.
As for dating… my relationship with Ean is no more. Was it the distance? I don’t know… it contributed I’m sure. It’s hard to get to know someone and build something real from afar. I didn't think I could do it, but I tried. Still, the way we ended has left no doubt that we would've ended even if distance wasn't an issue.
I’ve been on a few dates with seemingly nice men, but none that I wanted to pursue intimately. Finding someone to whom I'm attracted is few and far between.
And so, I find myself back in Sully’s arms – a familiar place with the comfort of home. I stood before him in offering like a wrapped Christmas present that cannot wait to be opened. In one fluid move, Sully relieved me of my bra and everything else.The warmth of his body seeped into mine and I was unable to resist the feel of him against me. I pressed so close I could hear his heart beating. We explored the dips and curves of each other, placing strategic kisses in sensitive places - the base of the neck – the tip of the collarbone… His lips met mine in a passionate tango, and our bodies moved to the fiery beat of moans and groans and smacking lips. I stood naked in his arms, wet and throbbing long before I am on my knees before him – and my body, flushed with kisses and tingling from exploration is trapped beneath him ready to explode like a fourth of July firework finale.
And afterwards, the part that I love most… the part where we lay around and talk about everything and nothing the way people who have settled into each other do. There is a sense of shared understanding about our imperfect lives that have made us laugh and cry, but into which we have grown with sadness, humor and grace.
I have yet to understand the place of comfort that I go when with him, before we wander off again. How long we will do this, I don’t know. I know only that when I walk into his arms, I want to linger, that when we kiss, the taste of his lips sent ripples of desire through me and I cannot stop until I am fulfilled. I know that when he penetrates me I want to squeeze his cock so tightly in my cunt that he must surrender to me. I know nothing else in our moments. We are aware that there is a next chapter beyond this one that may or may not include each other, but that does not stop us from spending our shared time as if they will never end. We dance in the light of our moments and write the story as we go along.
Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. —Hellen Keller.