I've been struggling with this as of late - feeling like I'm not being seen. In fact, that's what my next post will be about. I will no longer lay naked with a man who knows nothing of who I am beyond the way I look standing beside and naked beneath him.
I once asked Kenny, "What comes to mind when you think of me?"
And even though he often had me before bed, in the middle of the night and before he went to work most mornings - of all the things he listed, fucking you wasn't one them.
Curled by the fireplace with a book, and the look on your face when you disappear into whatever world you've entered.
The straightness of your back when you stand at the window and stare at the world.
You may not be present for all my good times, but you never miss one of my bad moments.
The things you know that I would never try to explain to anyone how you know them.
That you cry more than anyone I know, and your tears are not all of sadness.
I think that you are one of the most courageous people I've ever met.
The way you feel everything - and cannot seem to help yourself.
The mother, sister, lover, friend that you are.
That you are a strategic thinker.
Your brilliant mind .
Your big heart.
That I want to hold you - forever...
It dawned on me recently, that I had put very little thought into being known before. Perhaps the problem existed not in the way others saw me, but the way I saw myself. Growing into my skin and knowing who I am - has changed everything.