I met Jen and Ally for lunch as we do now once every week. Jen and Ally are still trapped in their proverbial unhappy relationships, and as Jen pointed out, I am consistent too in my pursuit for a man who feels 'right' to me - a journey that has become a source of entertainment in our little group.
I didn't have any great online dating stories to tell… I quit shortly after my date with toupee guy, and after only few days on the site for the second time. I am not discouraged by my experiences – I quit because I was ignoring my winkers, and felt it was best to remove myself if I wasn't going to participate. I am not a good candidate for online dating. I don’t have the patience or the time to invest in getting to know someone in Cyberville,"
“I’m glad that you’re not having sex with anyone. Maybe you need to stop dating and wait for your life partner to show up,” Ally said.
“Will this life partner one day knocks on my door and say hey there, Kitten, I’m your life partner - let's head on down to the courthouse and get married?
"The courthouse? What woman in her right mind would want to get married at a courthouse?" Ally asked.
"I do," I said,
"Well, I'm not sure you're in your right mind," she said smiling at me.
I chuckled. "And...I didn't say I'm not having sex. I’m having sex,”
"I didn't know you’re dating right now,”
“I didn't say I was dating. I said I’m having sex,”
"And you haven’t told us? That’s odd of you, Kit,” Jen chimed in.
“Odd? Do you Cuntina’s think that I tell you everything?”
“Yes,” Ally said.
“Who are you having sex with?" Jen asked staring hard at me.
“Never mind that,” I said, thinking of my ex’s face between my legs not so long ago. His kisses on my collarbone, the scent of him on my skin, the perfectly, synchronized movements of our bodies – that of two people who has spent time learning about each other – I surrendered to the familiar music that is ours, wrapped my legs tightly around him and pulled him close.
“I am not going to be another Karen who hasn't dated in over thirty years," I said stumbling through the erotic images in my head.
“Karen! That poor woman," Jen said. "I think she's still waiting to find a gift-wrap husband at her door. That just doesn't make any sense,”
Ally stared at her. “You don’t make any sense either sleeping with a married man,”
“And you make sense married to a woman-beater?” Jen shot back.
“I’m having sex with my ex because even though our relationship did not work, the sex part did. Let’s not throw stones at each other,” I said.
“I hope Karen got laid. She is such a miserable woman,” Ally said.
We had stared at Karen in confusion when she joined our discussion at a friend’s dinner party few weeks ago, and told us that she has not dated or had sex in over thirty years.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why would anyone go thirty years without getting laid?” Jen asked.
Karen said she had gotten pregnant young and ended up raising her son alone. The experience was so painful, she turned over her life and decisions to god.
"I may have gotten fat, broke and old while waiting, but I have faith that the good lord will send me a husband," she said.
We stared at her. “How are you going to meet your future husband if you do not date?” I asked.
“My father will send the right man my way, and I will know him,” She said staring at me with big, black, bottomless eyes as if I’d asked a foolish question.
"But it’s been over thirty years. Don’t you think you have to date to meet him?" I asked. The idea of waiting for a life partner to show up without any effort on her part was mind boggling to me.
“I don’t agree with your lustful ways, Kitten. Surely you must get tired of dating losers and posers,”
“No.” I said. “The experiences may not always be positive, but I get a broader perspective on life and people and discover what I want, from experiencing what I do not want. I’ve also met some really fantastic men,”
“Then how come you’re not married?”
“I haven’t met anyone I wanted to marry,” I said.
“Well what you're doing doesn't seem to be working,” she said. “If you don’t want to marry them, why are you having sex with them?”
“Because it’s fun,” I said.
I thought about Karen on my way home from lunch – gone so long without the intimate touch of a lover – the surging bliss that a kiss ignites – the throb and ache that springs from our core when our body comes alive with desire.
Had the lack of human closeness contribute to the permanent scowl Karen wears like a Halloween mask that scares away even the most fearless of men? I don’t know – I know that intimacy, and human contact is important to our well-being. Studies show that babies deprived of human contact can fail to thrive and may die from lack, even when they have proper nutrition and shelter.
To disconnect from love and deny myself the attention and affection of a lover, feels like a bizarre notion. I know that intimacy whether it’s sexual or just being held by someone who cares can relieve stress – that being showered with love and affection is good for one’s spirit – that crawling into a man’s arms and falling asleep can be blissful even if I’m not married to him. I know that without love and human connection for long periods, something grows silent and dim inside us. Most will go out in search of an intimate relationship to bring that light back. And when we find it - our soul's yearning is infused with something so exquisite - so rejuvenating - so blissfully, tantalizingly exotic - like the first touch of sunlight after a long winter, we wondered how we had ever lived without these moments.
Marianne Williamson said, “Just like a sunbeam can't separate itself from the sun, and a wave can't separate itself from the ocean, we can't separate ourselves from one another. We are all part of a vast sea of love, one indivisible divine mind.”
I am taken aback by so many who calls game-over, and get into protective mode over a heart-break or a difficult life situation and never recover. I wanted to ask Karen, how is it that one bad experience when you were young has derailed you for over thirty years?
When love breaks my heart, I hurt, recover, and chance it again and again. I touch, taste and fuck with every fiber of my being – and I do so without fear of heartbreak and pain that loving sometimes bring. I’ve been there – and survived it enough by now – to know that one cannot truly love with reservation.
Why would I do anything else? I know that life should be full of living and enjoyment. I know that in every ending is a new beginning. I know this.
I tell a potential partner that I don’t care what his ex-wife or last girlfriend did. I deserve a blank page to begin a new chapter - our chapter.
Finding a partner who is capable of throwing his hat in the ring and giving his all has been difficult. Most show up a broken caricature of what they are capable of being - reduced by life experiences instead of having grown from them. I find oceans of men with their cocks out and nothing else. I am not interested in a man so burdened by his past that he cannot stand, and cannot give all of himself to the present with me.
“We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.” - Marianne Williamson
I climbed into Michael’s arms that night and pressed my naked body against the warmth of his – he held and squeezed me to him for the longest time, before he kissed the spot on my neck that he knew would draw a moan. He made his way down my compliant body - planting rose-petal kisses along the way. He stopped on his way to feed on my nectar like a hummingbird drinks from hibiscus flowers, before continuing on his journey – all the way to my toes and back again.
He may not be the man I will grow old with – but our moments are beautiful, passionate, and fulfilling on an emotional and physical level. And between now and forever, I plan on enjoying my life along the way.
"In all my work, I try to say - 'You may be given a load of sour lemons, why not try to make a dozen lemon meringue pies?'