It is not fear of the unknown that keeps me on my island. I will jump off a cliff just to see if I will die. The unknown to me is a place where treasures are found and where our greatest journeys lie IF we are brave enough to go on the adventure.
If the last few years taught me anything, it’s that there is no reason for me to fear the unknown. I have within me kick-ass resilience and I'm not easily destroyed. In the words of Maya Angelou, “It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable.”
When I expressed to my father that I am afraid of getting back into the dating game, for some of my choices have not been sound, he brushed aside my concern as one would a gnat.
“Kitten, most of your choices have been sound and you are a long way from the woman you used to be,”
No. I am not afraid of the unknown. There are moments when the thrill of it rages through me and I can’t wait to discover what new adventure awaits.
Out there is the man, perhaps several for whom I will remove my steel cloak so that he may explore all that I am – fully aware that he may tear out my heart and stomp on it, but I will have decided that he is worth the risk. Yes, I have moments when I long for the taste of a first kiss, standing naked and trembling beneath a man’s gaze as he stirs we with his fingertips – on my knees with him between my lips - penetrated.
I am not afraid of the unknown...but life has taught me that sometimes it's necessary to take careful steps – to look both ways before I run into the street so that I don’t get hit by a truck. It’s no fun getting hit by a truck and having to get back up.
My body is alive with suppressed yearnings - it is my heart that I cannot convince to let go. It is still loyal and my memories haunt me. The disconnect between my body and my heart scares me.
“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert