Today is Leo's Birthday. I have celebrated him in one form or another this time every year, his birthday and what would've been our anniversary. I still hope, and there is an inherent belief that we are destined to cross paths again.
Missing him hasn't waned. I expect him to walk into every coffee shop, restaurant, damn near everywhere I go. I still have a million things I want to tell him, ideas I want to share, plans I had for us, trips that I wanted us to take. I have a treasure chest filled with dreams of a life we planned that we haven't lived.
Our puzzle is incomplete and my mind and heart has since we parted never quite came back to me. I am a body unanchored. I believe that Leo knows where I am and how to find me. In my mad imaginings, I can feel him close and his eyes on me though he is nowhere to be found.
When I married Leo, I did plan to spend a lifetime with him. I saw the years stretched out before us with adventures untold, and imagined us into old age. He must've seen us too because he captured us in a painting years ago. The old man and woman in their hats. I am beginning to wonder if all my days left in this life will be spent searching for a ghost. Will I night after night wander back to an empty bed that still smells like him no matter where I lay my head? Will the missing parts of me find their way back to this body?
At the end of each day and with each sunrise, I remind myself that love is healing. I am healing. It was Leo's love that healed me from a broken heart years ago. My heart is open and I am ready to fall hopelessly in love again. Perhaps one day, I'll have another story. Perhaps love will find me again. Perhaps joy and I will meet again on a winding road. Perhaps...I
Today I send birthday wishes into the universe and hope they find him well. I hope the wind whispers to him my name that in this life, I absolutely, truly loved him and our life together, that knowing him has remained one of the highlights of my life, that I will forever hold him close in my heart and I hope we cross paths again if for nothing else, a gift to me, that I may complete the puzzle over a cup of coffee or a drink. A gift to take a step back in time. I"m ready to embrace a future that is not filled with pain and suffering and missing. I'm reading to smile again.
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