The climax of the last five years is coming to an end. I can feel it. It had to. I've lost five years asking questions to understand how my perfect life with an upward trajectory took such downward turn. But these are questions that no one will or wants to answer.
In the past five years, I walked through some of my darkest days alone. I haven't had a single genuine conversation with anyone. I lost the love that I thought would never leave and spent years searching for him. I didn't find him again. Many have asked why I wanted to find him so badly. To answer that question, one would need to understand not just the way I love - but the way I loved him. I wanted to thank him for loving me the way he did, to tell him one more time in case he ever wonder that my love for him was absolute and that he made me happy. But I've given up my search. He knows where and how to find me. If he wants to see me, its up to him now.
I've been isolated from everyone and everything I loved including my beloved CAT that meant more to me, and was a better friend and companion than most people. I've tired to make peace with people who I realized needed to be at war with me. Whatever their reasons, I lost interest in that game. Who has time to be engaged in nonsensical bickering?
At this point, I am a woman carved from all four elements (Fire, Water, Earth, and Air) equipped to handle whatever life challenges comes my way.
My greatest fear these years was losing myself. I've always loved me, all of me, and didn't want to lose the woman my parents raised me to be to a harsh life. I was relieved when last I looked into the mirror and find me still present _ not entirely, but I am not lost. My eyes have captured and will carry the soul of me until my last day in this life and beyond. I still have love in my heart, I still feel empathy, I still laugh at silly things and I am still hopeful that I can reach the moon. There is no settling for less. I KNOW that I am born for greatness, and I don't listen when I'm told to humble myself. I will do no such thing if it means thinking less of myself.
And so, as I look at the changing tide and watch dusk turn to dawn, this new me that is emerging is a sight and wonder. Nothing that happens now will surprise me nor can it destroy me. In many ways, I already know the truth about the last five years even if I don't have full awareness. Deep in my heart, I know that someone close to me, someone I loved and trusted, betrayed me. This truth will not be my downfall.
It's a crazy thing watching my future self standing on the horizon waiting patiently for me. I can see her clearly under the giant tree. The wind rustles the leaves and they appear to be dancing overheard. The sun is shining, the rays glistens off the lake close by bathing me in sunlight.
Indeed, I've seen this future that is mine. I don't know where I will be. The world is indeed my oyster and with this adventurous heart of mine, anything and anywhere is possible. One thing is for sure, I was not born to live in survival mode. That is not my birthright.
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